I've realized it has been a long time since I blogged about my personal life. I need to take a look from an outside perspective and share what I want to, and not share what I do not want to.

I'm a social justice and diversity advocate and tonight is a fun event that I have planned. I'm excited.

I'm also excited to spend the rest of my life doing nothing. That'd be nice. haha just kiddign

Dysfunctional Relationships

Some people are blessed with lifetime relationships.

I am not one of those people.

My friends fluctuate. One moment, I have a great relationship with so and so. The next, that person is no where to be found. Then that person comes back and we continue the friendship.

And can I tell you something? IT REALLY BLOWS.

I've tried the last 10 years to try and get a forever friend. My sister has one. And I remind her everytime I'm with her how lucky she is. Sure, they go through fights and stuff, and they spent the last year apart and they are very different. But they are there for each other. Everyday, thick and thin. Even when they are upset with each other.

I feel like I don't show my true self to anyone, just parts to people, because just in experience, they leave me.

Undergrad

Well, if you didn't know this already. I am a student in the Women's Studies department at my school. And I have shorter than a year left.

So I've been thinking about what I am going to do after my graduation. I know I want to get out of the city I am in but I'm not sure what I want to do.

I don't want to prepare for either the LSAT or the GRE but I want to go to Grad School/Law School. So I am thinking about taking a year off. But I don't want to go home...so I've been thinking about taking a class that certifies me as a TEFL educator. (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) Then I'll apply to schools in Germany to be a teacher for a year or two.

I got myself hooked to this idea. I see no wrong to it. I could get better at German and get some real world experience and be in one of the most beautiful places in the world. =]

So we'll see how this turns out. I'll do more research and see if it is worth it.

Maybe I should Update this one.

I know no one reads this but it is easier to update my life here than in my diary.

It's summer again and I am still in school doing classes. I currently have two jobs: I am a Community Advisor and a Lab Consultant. Right now I am taking 3 classes.

I love learning! Which is why I plan to stay in school as long as I can! My mind goes back and forth between what I want to do. Right now I can't decide if I want to go to Graduate School or Law School.

I know I would do well with either program but I can't decide which one to do. I would really enjoy learning law, but not so much practicing it. I'm thinking that I can go to Law School and then go back to school to become a professor of law. That way I am doing what I love to do: helping students.

But that is my plan so far, with what I would like to do with my degree. Which I also talked about on my blog about academics, here.

I feel like I should explain why I went so long with out updating this regularly. This blog was about being positive despite the hard times. Well, I hit hard times and then I was not positive any longer. I am finally getting back in to my old mindset, it's been a struggle, sometimes a daily one.

I haven't been home since early March and I am so excited that I am going home for a few days next week! I feel like it's gonna be stressful but at the same time I want to see my sister and a few of my friends.

Break ups

I decided to join a sorority the past few weeks and I am so glad I did.

My boyfriend broke up with me on Friday, right at the beginning of the weekend. I was so upset. It was not a good weekend for me at all. My guy friends even came over, but I was in such a bad mood. I didn't really enjoy it.

So after crying my eyes out and having little sleep, I went to this new member meeting. And let's just say, I am so excited I am sisters with these wonderful ladies.

This breakup did not come at good time (What break up ever does?) I had just been getting used to talking about our relationship with other people (that was really hard for me) and I finally started to fall for him.

So, boom, he breaks up with me. I saw it the past few days, he wasn't hanging out with me as much, and not texting as much.

I just feel like this is deja vu. I don't know if I will be able to talk to you about deja vu. But right now I want to finish my german project asap, so I can watch a good movie and go to bed.

the G word

God.

Who is he? Is he a he?

Does he exist? Is he insane?

I've really turned to my faith in the past few months. I needed to. It was the right thing to do. But now that I am better, do I keep up my faith? And how do I do it?

I am no longer at the GOD IS SO HORRIBLE stage in my life. and I really like that. I actually go to church with out feeling like a sinner. (Even though technically I am). I'm not all for salvation and am for taking things one step at a time. Faith was slightly important in my recovery, I found myself talking to God when no one else would listen or I felt like no one would care.

I was raised Catholic and now I go to church at the United Church of Christ with my friend Bailey every so often. I practice my faith with Yoga as well.

In the worst day of my illness, I was alone. And I felt it. In fact, God wasn't there for me in those times of need. But slowly, with a few people's help I discovered that I needed community and I got that at church.

Now I am safe, for once, from the torture of illness. From the torture of loneliness. And I am still alone in soul.

Unable to Love

I recently stumbled upon an (ex)friends tumblr.

and oh goodness, it hurt. I followed him out of curiosity. He's only had it for a month.

I feel like all of it was a lie. Every single moment we had was false. He talks to people he told me he disliked, even hated. In fact, he is NICE to them.

I blame myself for the failure of the friendship. I should have said 'no'. I knew if we did anything and it turned out being a 'wrong decision', he would never hang out with me again.

I was right.

Not only did he use me, but he scarred me. Yep. I'll admit it. I will never be the same girl. I'm dating a wonderful guy and I can't fall for him. I just can't. I like him, I care for him, and everything is right. Except for the fact that I CAN'T LOVE HIM. I was so naive, and I trusted one guy too much with my heart. I should have been able to trust him, he was my friend.

It's still a fresh wound, I guess. Just when I think I get over 'it', something happens and my 'everything right' life doesn't feel right.

At least I am happy again and I feel like myself again. That's the nice thing.

(I mean this is no way shape or form hurtful to the ex-friend. This was a way for me to just share my frustrations, I wish him happiness, and if he, upon reading or hearing about this post, decides he doesn't want it here, I will delete it upon his request. People make mistakes all the time, my reactions and emotions are valid, as are his.)