Since I had classes all this summer, (I had a week break from spring semester to summer intersession, but since no one was home from college. I do not call that a "break".) this was the first weekend with out "classes" to worry about.
I went to my cabin. I was so excited to go. Thursday class went by uberslow and I was finally able to hit the road (After major packing up of the dorm....YAY.) at 5:30. However, I didn't actually get on the road until about 6:30. The ride was painless until I was about an hour away...my car radio doesn't work once we get out of big cities...so I was stuck with Steve Greens Christmas songs as a tape. Lets just say, three times through and I was ready to march to Steve Greens' house and show him how to really sing...with a bullet.
I was joking back there, I do not want to kill Steve Green. But I would like to kill that tape.
But the last hour, I turned off the music and sang to myself. I really hope someone saw me because really, that is me at my best moments. I even put the car on cruise and drove with my knees while I gave myself a hand puppet show.
I finally arrived there at 9:15pm. Speeding on that dirt road before my cabin was the hardest thing I will probably ever do. :p My dad was in his workshop in the garage and he said, "Hannah, I've been waiting for you." And we did the whole, lets chat about life but not get in to details thing we have down pat, have since 2004.
I ran down there, so excited to see everybody.
My mom was asleep, almost comatose on the couch. My aunt reading a book. And everybody else? On the couch watching Monsters Inc. I barely got a hello.
But we ended up staying up pretty late, talking about life. I only see this wonderful family every year at the beginning of August and I feel like this year I changed a ton....I am a happier person and I wanted to show it off.
Friday and Saturday went by super quickly. We swam across the lake and tie dyed. And watched another movie and went home.
Now I am sitting in my kitchen with the older girls around me. It is sad that I won't see them until next year after today. Kathryn is so cynical at 15, it makes me cry with laughter. Nicole has also changed a lot her first year in college but she is still the same obnoxious (in a good way) girl she has always been. Rebekah is still teeny tiny for her 9 years of life and joy she has. She really is my little pet, she follows me around everywhere and asks for my opinion on everything.
I went through pictures of my friends with Bekah and she thinks my guy friends aren't handsome. Nicole and Kathryn say they are indifferent but I don't believe them. I think all my guy friends are amazing and HOT!
So technically, my life as a Community Advisor starts tomorrow. I am excited but in a scared timid sort of way. This is like what I want to do the rest of my life. I hope that 1. I am good at it and 2. it is not as hard as it sounds. Oh and 3. I enjoy it.
I did the total of my books for this semester and with renting and buying used ones it comes to a whopping 696.50....DOLLARS. I about pooed in my pants!! That's a lot. I looked on the othersites....around the same amount for each one.
I decided that it is time for me to start eating healthy. I won't become a calorie counter BUT I am going to become more restricted of what I eat. I've always admired people who don't eat candy or turn down free food. I need to learn how to have that mindset. I do not need the mini snickers bar or the peanut butter m&ms. I work out way too much too waste it on something like that.
Plus, my french fry avoidance failed. Yes, failed. This is unacceptable. My uncle had a heart attack at 34. I do not want that to be me. So Hannah starts a new leaf with food this year. Put food in to my mouth that taste good and are good.
I had a long time to think about Anthony and I. After Monday, I was so glad to see him and we had a lot of fun. I remembered what I liked about him. Wednesday night rolled around and I realized that why was I so happy to see him? what did I gain from driving two hours and staying the night? (Besides fun...and I did have fun!) I still liked him, I still like him a lot. And spending all that time with him, made me realize that.
I was really freaking out, so I texted Nick. He attempted to calm me down with a "you'll get over it."
What if I don't and Anthony does? What if we're stuck in this limbo sort of phase forever?
Then this, I came to the conclusion that "this is enough. you need to cut strings. you need to get rid of him. this isn't healthy."
Then I thought about that for a long time while I was driving back home. Am I really this impatient? I can not wait and see what happens? Why does everything for me have to be this or that? Why can't it be grey?
I realized that yes, I am a control freak and yes, I do like direction in my life.
But Anthony is different. And as he pointed out to me, today, this is his first real relationship...
I'm too quick to label things. I always forget guys like to just lean in to things and see how it all plays out. Girls usually like to dive head first before looking to see if there is any water in the relationship. Sometimes, they crack their head open. Several times, I have cracked my head open. You think that would help us learn....
So once again, I am stepping back and taking a breathe. I know what I want. I want him in my life. I would be devastated if I scared him away.
I also know I want to do well at school. Boys are distractions...school is in two weeks. I need to concentrate on doing well...not whether or not we are or we aren't together.
That's all I am going to say about that for now. I am super tired and I can not wait to move in to my new home tomorrow! Thanks for reading.
No comments:
Post a Comment