The Magic of 11AM

I woke up feeling much better. I still knew nothing of what was going to happen to me but I was a lot better position to decide for myself.

Superman and I started to talk about what he wanted and what I wanted. He said he wanted to make this work, but he felt like we were going too fast and such. I am going to try to keep the details in between us but we are back together now.

My phone started ringing at 10:58am. I didn't recognize the number. So I let it ring. (If I don't recognize your number I will let it ring...) It was a number I somewhat recognized because it had the same zip code that I am living in. I thought it was Herberger's calling me telling me I had the job.

The caller left a Message. And I will be happy to say I am hired by Residential Life as a Community Advisor!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited to be a CA.

The residential life Hall Director kept saying how excited she was....I AM EXCITED too!! Super excited. I move in to my new home August 8th.

So ignore my last few posts, I just needed to rant.

My life is great. I had a fabulous boyfriend, I'm healthy and I got the job I wanted.

I started believing I would never get what I want. I didn't have the guy I wanted, I didn't get any of the jobs I tried to receive and so forth.

I just need to give it some time.

I did this with out the help of God. Now all I need is a passing math grade and I will be set for fall!

:)

Better.

Well, I am feeling A LOT better than I was when I last wrote. I had delicious Goolash/Goolmoosh made by my roommate Jess. I knew I was going to get through it but I just needed some time and to let off some steam.

I guess I still need some more time but at least I am able to feel a little bit more uppidity dup and not so much downward dope.

But I am going to go to bed now and wake up early tomorrow to finish my math homework and study for math. I am super exhausted. Being dumped is hard work.haha

Have a good night blog world.

un-boyfriend

Well. Consider my life sort of up in the air right now.

My brain is telling my heart, I told you so, I told you so, I told you so. A million times. Yes, brain we know, do not depend on your heart to make choices.

So now what? My plans are to stay and school and finish up. But I have no goals and nothing whatsoever to look forward to besides moving in with my new roommate, Elizabeth and workouts with Nick. My plans have been officially depleted.GONE, DELETED. I didn't even have time to develop a "back up plan" to this plan because, seriously, this was my last back up plan I had.

So now that I am NOT a CA, I am NOT a group fitness instructor, I am NOT a brother of Delta Sigma Pi, I am NOT a student advisor, I am NOT on the Honors E-board,and I am NOT a girlfriend. WHAT THE FUCK IS THERE TO BE? A team member on the weekends, a student during the week, and a horrible friend to everything in between.

The thing that sucks the most though is that I had just gotten used to calling him my boyfriend. Now, I have to get used to calling him my ex.

Back to school....back to school....back to school...

Today I woke up and I looked around. I laid in bed and wondered what I would do if...I hate that would if. Why does it always have to be if...why can't I know anything for sure. I had an interview for Herbergers(my third).And I had a math test (my second). Both didn't go as well as I wanted them to. But I gave it a 100% of my all and I will deal with the grade and result I have.

I'm applying to a fat camp!!! Camp Counselor. I love working out and I think I would be good at that!

Plans Plans oh Plans

I'm so excited for the rest of the summer!

This weekend I get to be a closing Manager of part of the store. This is what I have been working for, like, my whole life. Okay, not really my whole life. But pretty close to it.

I go to the East Otter Tail County fair on July 22nd and head up to the cabin the rest of the weekend. I am psyched to see my bestie and my boyfriend. I will probably be bringing my friends Jess and Nick. Maybe. We plan to go camping. I am really excited!

August Fourth, my family comes from Virgina. My mom's sister and her husband relocated there 20 years ago(after moving from coast to coast to coast). They have three very beautiful daughters, Nicole, Kathryn and Rebeckah. Nicole is my age, Kathryn is 15 and Bekah is almost ten. Bekah has followed me around for years now and I love her to pieces!!! She is a doll.

August fifth I finish Summer Classes! Wahoo!

August 22nd, I move in to Shoe with my lovely friend, Elizabeth! So excited to have adventures with her and eat popcorn with her!!!

I officially end summer Labor day weekend and that is a good thing BECAUSE I am heading up to my cabin with Superman for a weekend alone. Okay, not completely alone but it will only be my cousin and father there. They aren't much of Chaperones. Though Dale has been known to tell my dad to bring a gun to meet my boyfriends. Haha.

So that is the rest of my summer.

I was going to call this "Boyfriend", instead I will call it "stupidity"

I've just been so giddy all night. Unable to do my homework. I think it was the M&Ms I grabbed at the grad party after I ate ALL THAT DELICIOUS INDIAN FOOD. Good Work Mamta! You graduated!!! Thanks for the food.

But really, really, really I am not here to talk to you about DELICIOUS INDIAN FOOD. Though it was grand. Grand, who uses that word nowadays? I do. It is my word of the summer: GRAND.

Okay. So, I am changing the subject...now. For those of you who didn't read my old blog OR haven't really figured out yet, I met a really really really really really good guy.

...A few events happened here, I will not get in to because it is not that important....

That's when I realized, this life thing. I was going about it all wrong. In a few ways.

1. Now I have always been a little sexual. I make sexual jokes, I talk about penises way too much for a normal person (every one looks different! I swear!!!!)

2. Add that to the fact that I am comfortable with changing in front of a million people (if I do not change in front of you it is a bad thing...or I am on my period).

3. And the fact that I wanted to see if I was over my ex or not, so I was a little desperate for a date. I said a little, I wasn't throwing myself at everyone....not quite yet, at least.

For the record, number one and two, that is me. But I needed to tone it down a little because I was giving a lot of people a wrong impression of me.

AND I was letting guys use me. I was becoming a bit of a slut. Making out with guys because they were "hot". Most of them had girlfriends. I had this idea that I was doing them a favor (I absolutely hate when people are in pain and blueballs sounds horribly painful...).

I was becoming someone I had never wanted to become. I knew this, but kept heading in that direction anyway.

But then I met him. (I'm praying to God right now that he doesn't read this and overreact. I am leaving your name out, ok? )

I call him "my superman" because he gave me the push I needed to get out of this cycle of abuse I was putting myself through.

I signed a contract with my roomie earlier this year that said that I would wait until marriage to have sex again. I broke it, with in a week.

Yes, I felt bad, no, horrible. I had let my best friend down for a BOY. A boy I didn't even like that much. This needed to stop. It didn't take long, I met him a month after I signed the contract. Three weeks after breaking it for the last time.

After Superman came in to my life, I felt the need to keep that contract. Not just because of him, not just because of my roommate/best friend. But because I made a promise.

What's with me and these somewhat depressing posts? I am stopping here for the night. I wanted this to be a giddy, I heart him post.

Anyway, he's been great! He is so good to me. He always knows the right thing to say and he says it. I am really glad and thankful I met him. I was really looking for a curve to my life and he helped me find it. He is probably reading this and being like, holy fuck, if I mess this up, I am going to be a douche. haha. I don't know, don't be a douche and you won't mess it up! Stay. the. same. I never thought I would deserve a guy this great and this understanding. I never thought I would find a guy that would try to understand why I did what I did and forgive me for the mistakes in my past. But I did.

Oh and sorry Mamta, I sort of dedicated this to you and then kept writing this terribly somewhat depressing post. :( Congratulations?!?!?!?!

I worked 10am to 5:30pm at my job today. I love working there. I have worked there for almost three years now and even though it drives me insane sometimes, I really do enjoy my job. I am also very glad that I have a job. I know how hard it is to get one. Especially if you are like me and only need x amount of hours and only can work weekends.

But today. I absolutely HATE HATE HATE when people tell me how to do my job. Bag it like this, bag it like that. Did you put the coupons in yet? You should really put the coupons in. Why aren't they going though? Are all the coupons going through?

Okay, slow down Guests. I have been working there for two and a half years. I know how to bag properly. At the end of my bagging, your cold food will be separated. Your clothes will not be with your food. Your chemicals will be alone. Yes, sometimes, I forget which bag is which and throw it in there. ACCIDENTALLY. But by the time you leave, it will be bagged correctly.

Also , do not take your bags before I hand them to you. That's really rude. And hand me your cash, do not throw it down on the counter, or worse, on the moving belt.

Do not yell at me for something showing up the wrong price. I am not in charge of price accuracy. I just ring things up. If you can not find something on the shelf, do not snap at me at the organization of the store, I again am not in charge of that.

Do not attempt to tell me that there are 24 hour Targets. There isn't. And if you ever start a sentence with "well Walmart would do it this way", you are not going to get anywhere with solving the problem.

Overall, do not treat us like we are uneducated. Be nice, you'll get more out of us. If you are anal about your bagging , ask to do it yourself.

And save the earth...bring reusable bags.

Hey Everybody. Guess what?

I am working Independence Weekend! They gave me Friday and Saturday off and scheduled me for Sunday.

I was like, this will not do. So I signed up for a shift on Friday, on Saturday and a double shift on Sunday-Fourth of July. So next weekend will be more then crazy. But I am closing Manager! whoopeee. This is my first time doing it ever and I am so excited! This is something I could see myself doing for a while.

Now it is just time to figure out how to get home. I hate depending on my parents or my siblings to get me places. So I am thinking the train. That's fine, getting to the train is fine. It is getting home that is horrible.

I work on three on Friday. There is no buses home Friday until almost 4. Taxes will cost me 25 dollars but friends, friends are free :) So my parents don't have to worry about me. I save money not paying for gas for a car I do not want to have and I get quality time with friends.

Win. Win.

I'm awesome.

Well I am really really frustrated at my math homework. I spent two hours on this one problem online last night and gave up.

Then I woke up this morning gave it a go and I got it right. But it didn't save. Oh pooey. Here I go again.

ha. I just realized how horrible my last few posts must've been to read. Whoops. I will try to keep my sad depressing posts down to a minimum.

Back to the problem....of he*l!

Is there any possible way to tell an ex to bug off but still get what you want?

I was a little immature. I told him to go to hell or pay me back. Those were his two options in my mind.

Well, he deleted my blog. Something I told him that he could do at anytime as long as he gave me heads up so I could move my favorite posts over.

He didn't give me a heads up.

Three years of writing down the drain. I went through a 18 months writers block and wrote only on that site! I should've planned ahead and saved those posts somewhere else.

I think it is better that he decided to cut me off though. (Even though he still owes me a ton of money...that I sort of need right now.) I needed to be done with him.

I did not realize how shitty he treated me until I broke up with him. Almost three years of my life down the drain (and it could've been more if I stayed with him).

Why? Why did I do it?

My original conclusion was because I was settling and was comfortable with him. It was more then that.

I started thinking in to our relationship, about what we went though together. Senior year, he broke up with me. I was devastated, I cried for hours, I begged for him back. At the time, I thought it was because I loved him and that it was true love and we were meant to be together. I'm scoffing now at that ridiculous idea.

It wasn't because I loved him. (I did.) It wasn't because it was true love. (All love is true love.) It wasn't because we were meant to be together. (We weren't)

It was because I was alone. I did not have any friends. I thought I did. But where were they when I was up at oh 12:04am and tearfully writing a blog. Wondering why I was so miserable. Trying, in vain, to cheer myself up.

One night, I took a knife and clawed "BFF" in my calf. I was so mad it didn't break the skin. I wanted a best friend, a person I could turn to.

But I didn't have one.

I started thinking about why I was so desperate to get a boyfriend all my life. Was it because I was insecure? Yes. I was insecure. But why did I think getting a boyfriend would solve my insecurities?

It took me a long time to think about this and to get past crying through it. It was partially because I was insecure because I was naked. Yes, naked.

My past stripped my clothes and then burnt them. When I was 13 years old, I was just entering learning the knowledge of my sexuality and two events happened to me that will forever shape my life.

One, a close family member misused my trust. I will leave it at that.

Two, I was sexually harassed by students in my art class.

These events are probably forgotten by the people of my past. They are little things that they do not have to deal with everyday.

But I have to deal with it everyday. Even if I am unaware of it.

Why was I in such a rush to get a boyfriend? To lose my 'virginity'?

To prove to myself that I wasn't what those people told me they were. I did not know this at the time, but I was fighting with my sub-conscious the whole time.

Even when I did not want it, when I wanted to wait, I would let men use me. Because that is what "straight pretty girls do" and that is what I wanted to be.

But at the lowest times of my self esteem, I wondered if I was really straight, if maybe those people could see something in me that I couldn't. Those times I was naked and I wanted to hide.

I'm not ashamed of being naked anymore. I want everyone to know what happens in schools, I want people to realize who they are, and on their own time but maybe with my help.

Sometimes I think of suicide. I go work out it gives me a better outlook on life. It is always going to be an option for me, though lately, the option has not come to me as frequently.

If I am having a hard day, I tell myself it is not a stop sign, it is a sign to keep going. It really works, telling yourself that. If it doesn't I imagine what it would be to find some I love dead. I don't know why anyone I love would want to find me dead. That scares it out of me.

I will not let men use me anymore. But I will never blame the men who used me because it is not their fault that I went through what I went through. This is one of the only times, where the victim is to blame.

Someday, I want to write about what happened to me. I saved all my poems I wrote during that time and I want to put together a book about it.

Why do I want things that horrible to go public?

Easy.

1) I am never alone. And there are people like me, all around the world.

2) I will always deal with these events. Always. I thought after (place life event here) that I would forget about it and move on. But I won't. It is getting easier and easier to deal with. But my mind will always have that little sub-conscious thought.

3) The bullies have moved on. Do they even remember? Will they ever remember? This is NOT about making them pay. It is about reminding them (all bullies) that what they said and did may have impacted someones lives longer then that month, day, year it happened. It has been SIX YEARS for me and I think about it EVERYDAY. Why should they be able to go on with the rest of there lives scottfree?

4)It's therapy. I really believe that after I am done complying this that I will be able to deal with my emotions better.

Wow. I didn't think I would write that much and about all that. Hopefully it makes sense, when it comes down to it though, it's not about making sense, it is about understanding what I went through.

It is sad though. My current best friend doesn't know about any of this and unless she reads this, she probably never will.

I got my best friend now and I can't even tell her what I went through.

I have never been able to tell the whole story to anyone.

Which is reason number 5 of why I am going to MUST compile this book.

To finally, face the facts and live up to my past. Because if I don't admit it outloud then I will never get better.

"I am a victim because..."

Someday I will be able to finish that sentence.

It is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I couldn't even type it. The reasoning, I sat there and looked at it. If I say it, I will admit it. If I admit it, I have to deal with it. The people in my life have to deal with it. I am not ready to deal with it, the people in my life are not ready to deal with it.

So I won't finish it. At least, not for now.

So, I got frustrated doing my Math homework.

One, I am not in front of a fan.

Two, I used to be in front of a fan.

Three, my dad took a spot in front of a fan because he wanted to watch "the draft". Whatever that means.

So therefore, I am hot. I was sweating bullets. I don't know how you sweat bullets but I prefer to use that instead of "like a pigs" because pigs do not sweat. Back to sweating bullets and the questions decided to take a turn for the worse, so I took a break.

Probably not a good idea because I have a test on Monday and I want to do well. Plus, that was just the online stuff so I have to do the un-online stuff too. Plus I have a paper due tomorrow for my online class AND I have a chapter to read. Plus I have a review to do for Math for the test.

oh and I have to work. Tomorrow, saturday, and sunday. So all three days. You can see my sweat.... because I am sweating. Do you get that? TURN ON THE A/C.

Speaking of work....I didn't get the Estee Lauder Job.

But Elaine called me and said another position needed to be filled.

So I have an interview before my test on Monday. YAY!

But that means I have less time to do my homework. Unyay.

Oh well, it's time to buckle down. Math first, then online class second!

Hey all,

I want to take the time to thank you for checking up on me. My life has been nothing but school and work. I work out, so that's good and I do eat, so that is good too.

Right now, school is pumping me up the butt. That was the grossest thing I have ever said but it is sooo fitting. I feel so overwhelmed with school, I do not even want to think about how my goal was to get an A in both these classes. I do not think that is going to happen. I'll keep trying though. Because if I try as hard as I can, I will pass and get the grade I deserve.

Sunday, I woke up sobbing. Yes sobbing. It was not because someone had died in my dream. It was because I did not get yet another thing I tried so hard to receive.

I have a whole hand full of failures and I love it! I can't believe I just said that. But I do. Who else can say they have tried for x, y, z and a, b, c and have lived from not getting d, e and f! I can! Who else can bounce back as quick as a cheetah and start planning their next 'kill'? I can! And who will keep going despite the setbacks....I will. Because that is who I am, I am a bouncer and I will SUCCEED at doing something one day. I just need to find that thing to succeed at.

And I might be looking at this all wrong. Maybe what I need to be looking at succeeding at something completely different. So I am trying to be a good girlfriend, a great student, a wonderful friend, a caring citizen...anything else? Daughter, sister, family member....all of those too.

So that's what I am. I'm not a quitter. I don't give up and I strive for excellence.

Yes, I get down and yes, I wish that I had the capabilities to do whatever I want and get whatever I want, but here is the deal. My grandma told me I have two choices in life, to cry or to laugh. And who wants to be miserable? I obviously don't otherwise why would I be trying. So most the times I choose laughing.

Disappointment makes you a better person. Letdowns make you a better person. You never hear about how getting what you want makes you a better person.

Yeah, that's right. I said it.

And okay, I may be being a little sarcastic and sometimes I don't 100 percent believe what I just said up there at all times. But being sarcastic and somewhat cynical is better than being bitter, miserable and ridiculously unhappy.

Because I was called Happy Hannah and I shall stay Happy Hannah.

So my ex finally deleted my blog...probably for good.

Is it my fault that I was angry he didn't pay me back? He owes me almost one grand! He can go to hell for all I care. He told me he would pay me back over a year ago.

Whatever. I'm done with that creep. I can post whatever I want about him here. BECAUSE HE DOESN'T OWN IT.

This is probably easier to manage anyway.

I'll try to get my old posts back.

Love you all.