Don't get me wrong, I do not want a boyfriend, at least not right now. I'm too busy and wouldn't have time for him. But can't a girl complain once and awhile? I mean, it's not easy being in a relationship, but it is not easy being single neither.
It's been a little over a year since my ex and I split. And it has been a wonderful year of being alone(and not so alone) . But I am a little restless and a little mad.
When I look back on the year and all the "failed" relationships, yeah, I get angry. These boys (most of them anyway) are using me and I am not doing anything to stop it. What am I doing wrong?
People always tell me, "it's not you, Hannah, it's them." And I say, "yeah, I know." I'm lying. I know I have trust issues (as in I trust too much) and no issues (as in I can't say it) and guilt issues (as in I feel bad for people). I get hurt a lot for those issues. It would be nice to have one guy just stick, so I wouldn't have to deal with this heartbreak.
I'm kind of scared. Kind of...no. Am...yes. I have a fear that I am going to help people that aren't grateful of my help. I am going to trust people that misuse that trust. I am going to say yes and not be actually willing to do anything. I am going to feel bad for those people and keep doing those actions anyway.
I realized...today...that I want to be appreciated. I want to be loved, to feel loved, to feel needed. But I also want that person that treats me like a princess (because I am one), that takes care of me (when I can't take care of myself), that wakes me up in the morning. But I don't necessarily want to have to do the work to get that person.
So I am happy, but I am restless. I am in this mood where I don't want to have a boyfriend, but ehhhh, it would be nice to have one.
I just think my emotional side would be less drained if I had one. Does that make any sense?
I know relationships don't last forever. I know that. I have been through that plenty of times. I want a guy to make me feel pretty when my confidence isn't up all the way, a guy to kiss me when I feel completely disasterous.
For the most part, I want a guy that will let me live my life, but act as vice-president once and awhile. I feel bad asking for a business deal boyfriend. But sometimes those are best.
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