Break ups

I decided to join a sorority the past few weeks and I am so glad I did.

My boyfriend broke up with me on Friday, right at the beginning of the weekend. I was so upset. It was not a good weekend for me at all. My guy friends even came over, but I was in such a bad mood. I didn't really enjoy it.

So after crying my eyes out and having little sleep, I went to this new member meeting. And let's just say, I am so excited I am sisters with these wonderful ladies.

This breakup did not come at good time (What break up ever does?) I had just been getting used to talking about our relationship with other people (that was really hard for me) and I finally started to fall for him.

So, boom, he breaks up with me. I saw it the past few days, he wasn't hanging out with me as much, and not texting as much.

I just feel like this is deja vu. I don't know if I will be able to talk to you about deja vu. But right now I want to finish my german project asap, so I can watch a good movie and go to bed.

the G word

God.

Who is he? Is he a he?

Does he exist? Is he insane?

I've really turned to my faith in the past few months. I needed to. It was the right thing to do. But now that I am better, do I keep up my faith? And how do I do it?

I am no longer at the GOD IS SO HORRIBLE stage in my life. and I really like that. I actually go to church with out feeling like a sinner. (Even though technically I am). I'm not all for salvation and am for taking things one step at a time. Faith was slightly important in my recovery, I found myself talking to God when no one else would listen or I felt like no one would care.

I was raised Catholic and now I go to church at the United Church of Christ with my friend Bailey every so often. I practice my faith with Yoga as well.

In the worst day of my illness, I was alone. And I felt it. In fact, God wasn't there for me in those times of need. But slowly, with a few people's help I discovered that I needed community and I got that at church.

Now I am safe, for once, from the torture of illness. From the torture of loneliness. And I am still alone in soul.

Unable to Love

I recently stumbled upon an (ex)friends tumblr.

and oh goodness, it hurt. I followed him out of curiosity. He's only had it for a month.

I feel like all of it was a lie. Every single moment we had was false. He talks to people he told me he disliked, even hated. In fact, he is NICE to them.

I blame myself for the failure of the friendship. I should have said 'no'. I knew if we did anything and it turned out being a 'wrong decision', he would never hang out with me again.

I was right.

Not only did he use me, but he scarred me. Yep. I'll admit it. I will never be the same girl. I'm dating a wonderful guy and I can't fall for him. I just can't. I like him, I care for him, and everything is right. Except for the fact that I CAN'T LOVE HIM. I was so naive, and I trusted one guy too much with my heart. I should have been able to trust him, he was my friend.

It's still a fresh wound, I guess. Just when I think I get over 'it', something happens and my 'everything right' life doesn't feel right.

At least I am happy again and I feel like myself again. That's the nice thing.

(I mean this is no way shape or form hurtful to the ex-friend. This was a way for me to just share my frustrations, I wish him happiness, and if he, upon reading or hearing about this post, decides he doesn't want it here, I will delete it upon his request. People make mistakes all the time, my reactions and emotions are valid, as are his.)

Lunapads: Underwear

Oh my fricking goodness. I can't believe this is happening to me. I have clean underwear after my period....CLEAN UNDERWEAR.

This means no more "ugly panties" to wear during my time of month, no more "beddy panties" to wear while I sleep (in case I get it while I sleep.)

I am so excited to keep using it and will continue to do so. I am saving money while saving the world.

Buy lunapads. Lunapads.com

Lunapads

So yesterday I got my period. For most girls, it would be UGHHHHHH but i was like YAYYYY

You wanna know why, because I am having an eco-positive period. it was sooo excited yesterday trying my new stuff!

I bought a divacup kit and a lunapad kit. Both from lunapads.com

I was so excited to try it out, but also somewhat nervous.

I decided to take a shower before I inserted the Divacup. So after my shower, I dried myself off, read the directions one more time and sat down.

I probably should've trimed my hair down there a little bit, but besides that little pinching it was painless. I wore it with out even knowing it was there.

I did not leak, not one little bit. That isn't even the best thing. The best thing is that depending on how heavy your flow is you can leave it on for 10 to 12 hours. That means you can wear it overnight! I wore it overnight last night and woke up worried that I leaked...but I didn't, not even on my backup pad!!

The pads are even better, because they are cotton, they are comfortable and I don't feel plasticy and diapery.

I can get used to this, this might mean worry free period!! :) I love it!

www.lunapads.com

void in my life.

think of an hour glass, the sand running through the little hole, ticking of time, just when you think you filled it, a huge hand comes down upon you and flips it upside down.

again.

i wonder if i ever will fill it. Or will i walk around with this sense of temporary fills, only to find that filling to go away at a drop of a hat. or a hand, i guess turning it around.

i dont want to be one of those people that can never stay happy. i dont want to do that to the people i love. i dont want to keep looking for a filling and drag all these good people with me. i feel selfish doing that.

maybe it will go away, or the hourglass will become a yearglass, something that appears at random times, but not all the time.I could deal with a randomglass of void.

i've been realizing, thru time, that this void has been here my entire life. it just didn't appear, i filled it will something i thought was going to be permanent, and it turned out not to be.

i'm a better person now that i gained my void back. or i would like to think i am. i've changed but i didn't try to.

the one thing i wished for my whole life is to have a good friend. i had that for 1o months of my twenty years of life, and i am so glad i had that.