Dysfunctional Relationships

Some people are blessed with lifetime relationships.

I am not one of those people.

My friends fluctuate. One moment, I have a great relationship with so and so. The next, that person is no where to be found. Then that person comes back and we continue the friendship.

And can I tell you something? IT REALLY BLOWS.

I've tried the last 10 years to try and get a forever friend. My sister has one. And I remind her everytime I'm with her how lucky she is. Sure, they go through fights and stuff, and they spent the last year apart and they are very different. But they are there for each other. Everyday, thick and thin. Even when they are upset with each other.

I feel like I don't show my true self to anyone, just parts to people, because just in experience, they leave me.

Undergrad

Well, if you didn't know this already. I am a student in the Women's Studies department at my school. And I have shorter than a year left.

So I've been thinking about what I am going to do after my graduation. I know I want to get out of the city I am in but I'm not sure what I want to do.

I don't want to prepare for either the LSAT or the GRE but I want to go to Grad School/Law School. So I am thinking about taking a year off. But I don't want to go home...so I've been thinking about taking a class that certifies me as a TEFL educator. (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) Then I'll apply to schools in Germany to be a teacher for a year or two.

I got myself hooked to this idea. I see no wrong to it. I could get better at German and get some real world experience and be in one of the most beautiful places in the world. =]

So we'll see how this turns out. I'll do more research and see if it is worth it.

Maybe I should Update this one.

I know no one reads this but it is easier to update my life here than in my diary.

It's summer again and I am still in school doing classes. I currently have two jobs: I am a Community Advisor and a Lab Consultant. Right now I am taking 3 classes.

I love learning! Which is why I plan to stay in school as long as I can! My mind goes back and forth between what I want to do. Right now I can't decide if I want to go to Graduate School or Law School.

I know I would do well with either program but I can't decide which one to do. I would really enjoy learning law, but not so much practicing it. I'm thinking that I can go to Law School and then go back to school to become a professor of law. That way I am doing what I love to do: helping students.

But that is my plan so far, with what I would like to do with my degree. Which I also talked about on my blog about academics, here.

I feel like I should explain why I went so long with out updating this regularly. This blog was about being positive despite the hard times. Well, I hit hard times and then I was not positive any longer. I am finally getting back in to my old mindset, it's been a struggle, sometimes a daily one.

I haven't been home since early March and I am so excited that I am going home for a few days next week! I feel like it's gonna be stressful but at the same time I want to see my sister and a few of my friends.

Break ups

I decided to join a sorority the past few weeks and I am so glad I did.

My boyfriend broke up with me on Friday, right at the beginning of the weekend. I was so upset. It was not a good weekend for me at all. My guy friends even came over, but I was in such a bad mood. I didn't really enjoy it.

So after crying my eyes out and having little sleep, I went to this new member meeting. And let's just say, I am so excited I am sisters with these wonderful ladies.

This breakup did not come at good time (What break up ever does?) I had just been getting used to talking about our relationship with other people (that was really hard for me) and I finally started to fall for him.

So, boom, he breaks up with me. I saw it the past few days, he wasn't hanging out with me as much, and not texting as much.

I just feel like this is deja vu. I don't know if I will be able to talk to you about deja vu. But right now I want to finish my german project asap, so I can watch a good movie and go to bed.

the G word

God.

Who is he? Is he a he?

Does he exist? Is he insane?

I've really turned to my faith in the past few months. I needed to. It was the right thing to do. But now that I am better, do I keep up my faith? And how do I do it?

I am no longer at the GOD IS SO HORRIBLE stage in my life. and I really like that. I actually go to church with out feeling like a sinner. (Even though technically I am). I'm not all for salvation and am for taking things one step at a time. Faith was slightly important in my recovery, I found myself talking to God when no one else would listen or I felt like no one would care.

I was raised Catholic and now I go to church at the United Church of Christ with my friend Bailey every so often. I practice my faith with Yoga as well.

In the worst day of my illness, I was alone. And I felt it. In fact, God wasn't there for me in those times of need. But slowly, with a few people's help I discovered that I needed community and I got that at church.

Now I am safe, for once, from the torture of illness. From the torture of loneliness. And I am still alone in soul.

Unable to Love

I recently stumbled upon an (ex)friends tumblr.

and oh goodness, it hurt. I followed him out of curiosity. He's only had it for a month.

I feel like all of it was a lie. Every single moment we had was false. He talks to people he told me he disliked, even hated. In fact, he is NICE to them.

I blame myself for the failure of the friendship. I should have said 'no'. I knew if we did anything and it turned out being a 'wrong decision', he would never hang out with me again.

I was right.

Not only did he use me, but he scarred me. Yep. I'll admit it. I will never be the same girl. I'm dating a wonderful guy and I can't fall for him. I just can't. I like him, I care for him, and everything is right. Except for the fact that I CAN'T LOVE HIM. I was so naive, and I trusted one guy too much with my heart. I should have been able to trust him, he was my friend.

It's still a fresh wound, I guess. Just when I think I get over 'it', something happens and my 'everything right' life doesn't feel right.

At least I am happy again and I feel like myself again. That's the nice thing.

(I mean this is no way shape or form hurtful to the ex-friend. This was a way for me to just share my frustrations, I wish him happiness, and if he, upon reading or hearing about this post, decides he doesn't want it here, I will delete it upon his request. People make mistakes all the time, my reactions and emotions are valid, as are his.)

Lunapads: Underwear

Oh my fricking goodness. I can't believe this is happening to me. I have clean underwear after my period....CLEAN UNDERWEAR.

This means no more "ugly panties" to wear during my time of month, no more "beddy panties" to wear while I sleep (in case I get it while I sleep.)

I am so excited to keep using it and will continue to do so. I am saving money while saving the world.

Buy lunapads. Lunapads.com

Lunapads

So yesterday I got my period. For most girls, it would be UGHHHHHH but i was like YAYYYY

You wanna know why, because I am having an eco-positive period. it was sooo excited yesterday trying my new stuff!

I bought a divacup kit and a lunapad kit. Both from lunapads.com

I was so excited to try it out, but also somewhat nervous.

I decided to take a shower before I inserted the Divacup. So after my shower, I dried myself off, read the directions one more time and sat down.

I probably should've trimed my hair down there a little bit, but besides that little pinching it was painless. I wore it with out even knowing it was there.

I did not leak, not one little bit. That isn't even the best thing. The best thing is that depending on how heavy your flow is you can leave it on for 10 to 12 hours. That means you can wear it overnight! I wore it overnight last night and woke up worried that I leaked...but I didn't, not even on my backup pad!!

The pads are even better, because they are cotton, they are comfortable and I don't feel plasticy and diapery.

I can get used to this, this might mean worry free period!! :) I love it!

www.lunapads.com

void in my life.

think of an hour glass, the sand running through the little hole, ticking of time, just when you think you filled it, a huge hand comes down upon you and flips it upside down.

again.

i wonder if i ever will fill it. Or will i walk around with this sense of temporary fills, only to find that filling to go away at a drop of a hat. or a hand, i guess turning it around.

i dont want to be one of those people that can never stay happy. i dont want to do that to the people i love. i dont want to keep looking for a filling and drag all these good people with me. i feel selfish doing that.

maybe it will go away, or the hourglass will become a yearglass, something that appears at random times, but not all the time.I could deal with a randomglass of void.

i've been realizing, thru time, that this void has been here my entire life. it just didn't appear, i filled it will something i thought was going to be permanent, and it turned out not to be.

i'm a better person now that i gained my void back. or i would like to think i am. i've changed but i didn't try to.

the one thing i wished for my whole life is to have a good friend. i had that for 1o months of my twenty years of life, and i am so glad i had that.

Hello All.

I moved over to Tumblr for awhile and now I would like to uptake this blog again.

I had a busy first semester and looking forward to this next one very much.

Changes happened in my life which caused me to lose control. Because of that loss of control, I became very ill.

Many people worried about me during those months. And I thank them for being concerned. I assure all that I am in good health as of today. Some people did not even take notice of my illness, I thank them for not making a big deal about it.

With every dark cloud over one's life, there is a sun behind it. It took me a long time to find the positive part of the changes that happened to me. But I did.

This semester, I am ready to move past that part of my life. I know it's not gonna be easy, but it's time.