Work

There's been a mix up with my work.

Yesterday I found out my leave did not go through. The paperwork was messed up and missing. I talked to HR and thought I got it worked out.

Well today I find out that 1. My leave is too long and 2. I still have responsibilities for the shifts I had.

Understandable, yes.

I only see two options in this case:

1. Work something out with HR, hopefully it is a mistake on their part and call in sick for the days they scheduled me (out of availability) since I had turned in the form six weeks before that. I would return to work during Winter Break.

2. Turn in my two weeks notice...and hopefully, be able to be hired if I need a job in the future.

Ughhhhh. I really don't want to do number two.

Jerkface

You know what really makes a great mood go sour?

The male species.

Wait...no, not just that.

The male species who talk to me only when they are horny. You want to piss me off. Then that is what you do, you have to be a male who talks to me because you are horny.

This really makes me appreciate the men in my life who aren't there because they are horny.

I need to thank them for that. :) (Thank you!)

And to the others, it's disrespectful and degrading that is all you see me as. You make yourself out to be an jerkface and you can not come back from being a jerkface. That is permanent.

Until you realize how good I am in other departments of life, you aren't getting any. Until you prove yourself worthy, you aren't getting any.

I do not like this kind of attention. I want to SCREAM!

Perfect Man Criteria: Looks in to Our Eyes

Women want their man to think that they are beautiful, but that's not the only thing women want men to see.

Women want men to see their dreams, their hopes, their future, and most importantly, their eyes.

I've realized that this project has really made me think about men. Yes, men. You boys out there that woman love (supposedly). I have been talking to the men in my life: my father, my ex's, my best friends, my random hookups, etc.

And more and more, I realize how men (with the exception of my father and ONE of my guy friends) look me in the breasts and not the eyes. I used to think men only looked if we wore low cut shirts. But I can wear a EFFING t-shirt (covering everything loosely) and they look.

Yes, sometimes I draw attention to my breasts. I will admit that. I do have large boobs and I love to complain about them. Feel free to look at them at that point of time.

But when I am talking to my guy friend about a movie, and I realize he isn't looking at me, he is looking at my chest. I don't know what to do. Should I keep talking? Should I make a joke? Should I be offended or mad?

I don't want my guy to love me because I am beautiful, or have big boobs. I want my guy to look me and the eyes and see beyond that.

I want my guy to see me for me. Yes, that takes a lot more than looking in to my eyes.

I think all women would like the same thing. And with that, they want men to accept what they do see good or bad.

And even in bed, we want men to be looking at our eyes.

My Sister

My sister is not as little as she used to be.

She turns 18 today!





I'm so glad I had 18 years to be her sister!

Briana, I love you!

New Blog Changes

Well, as you can see ladies and gents. I am changing up my blog with a few new updates. I decided to name it completely different because I realized that Traditional Nonsense was a nonsense title for a blog. Plus, it was a way to sort of say that I was freeing myself to do what is expected of me and do what I want instead.

I think I was pretty successful with that, doing what I want thing instead of what is expected of me! It was overall a good year.

I renamed my blog, Glass Half Full. Because it describes who I am, a positive person. Also, the glass is half full with water or juice, not alcohol. Just to clarify.

The quote that is below my title is pretty much my motto in life. I wake up everyday believing that I am in charge of myself and I can control (for the most part) how I feel about certain events. I want to be a happy person and that is who I choose to be. I spent all of high school being miserable, and on the arrival of college, I decided to change my attitude.

Not only was I successful, I had a wonderful experience!

As you can also see I added an image to my blog. That is me. I love to laugh, so what better picture to put up there then a 'Roseanne' laugh! :)

Let me know what you think!

Apology

I don't know how you can be so mean

Though you have every right to be angry with me

My friends say you are bitter and you are a jerk

But I know you better

We agreed that this break up was a good thing

That we were not right for each other

Sure, I could've ended it differently

Or tried harder to make it work

Or said things differently

Or been a better person overall

But you know me

You used to know me the best out of anyone

You shouldn't be so mean to me

It's okay that you have hurt feelings

or you do not want anything to do with me

We have history together

We can't just forget that

Our more recent history is bitter and bad

that shouldn't stop either one of us to be civil to one another

I am giving you an olive branch

I don't want to be friends

But I do not want to be your enemy

Just take the branch, lets make amends

I'll apologize first, I'm sorry for the things I said

and I'm sorry for the things I did.

I know I should have done some things differently.

I can not change the past

and you can't either

So let's just accept it and move on with both of our lives

There are two sides to every story and I am sticking with mine

I won't change mine to make you feel better.

I'll let you stick with yours.

And if you can't accept that apology

then I have no idea what you want me to do.

Maybe eventually I'll get it right

or maybe you won't get what you want out of me

let's just be civil.

forget the things we said in the past

and make the future better for both of us

so you don't remember me as the cold hearted bitch

and I don't remember you as the bitter jerk.

Okay?

Well, I should be doing extra credit for my online class. I am still aiming for an A and if so that means I have two extra credit assignments to do to guarantee that A.

After class, I am going home and I am hanging out with my good friend, Paul. He is a great guy, smart, tall, blonde. We have been friends since 7th grade. We've been through a lot together. But he has always been there for me when the times have been rough. I am really grateful for that.

Well I wasted 37 minutes doodling around on Facebook. Gotta go finish that homework.

Wordless Wednesdays

Thoughts

Yesterday I had lunch with a good friend named Mandy. I have known her from tenth grade and she is amazing!! She is two years older and I feel like she really gets me. She always knows what to say. We talked about how awesome it is being single and gossiped about a few people we knew. We bashed our exes and thank god, I have that outlet.

Today I had WOW for lunch and I went to class. Class was amazing. It was a fun lecture. He let us out an hour early. :) So it was pretty good.

Then, I texted my ex. That was NOT a good idea. I got a bunch of furniture things for our apartment (which never happened) and I want it back. When I asked him when I could come pick it up, he said that he had given it to a friend to use.

What? Did he ask me? No.

My mood went down to the drain. That was semi-expensive stuff. I want it back.

So I went on a walk to blow off steam, today was the day I was supposed to go to the gym. But I felt like I hated the male species. (Which I kind of do...some of them at least) So walk it was.

I really expected better of him. (rolls eyes) Yep. I'm still the same trusting loyal girl I always have been. I don't think I will change, I find it a major flaw. I forgive people too easily, I trust people when they give me no reason to, and it does hurt me most of the time.

Tomorrow I have a practical assessment at nine thirty and I have class at 12:30.

I'm super tired and I need some dinner because I forgot again to eat....

Weekend At The Cabin

This weekend was awesome. I went up to the lake with my good friend, Nick Ferguson. It was a long drive up and my dad came with us, so it wasn't as fun as I would've hoped for the ride. But I think it was an okay ride. Nick and Dad got in a nap both.

When we got up, we went swimming right away. I was the first to jump in. That is a rarity, usually I am the last to get in. We swam to the island and Nick's noodle slowed him down. So I ended up looking like a loser with a green noodle. .

My mom had cooked us delicious dinners every night we were there. Thank you Mommy..

The first night we came...it was Sam's birthday, so the Miltons were unavailable. My sister made us puppy chow, we played card games and such.

The next day, Nick and I practiced our Quidditch skills. I am afraid we got a lot of weird stares from the Blaylocks when we successfully played a game with the Joe, Claire, Nathan, Briana, and Mamta. But we didn't care. We had fun. Played three rounds and my team lost all three.

Nick tubed for the first time this weekend. We made the fatal mistake of going on the same tube and we sort of popped it with our massive thighs and stomachs. We're bigger people. There is nothing wrong with that. We are both very good looking too.

Sunday came too fast. I got to ski both days. I think that is all I can say about this weekend. It was a lot of fun.

I only bring up a friend every five years or so. Not by choice, because my friends and I never seem to be on the same schedule. Nick was my third friend that came up ever and I am really glad that he was able to do this. I hope he had as much as fun as I did

Nick got really burnt, which was horrible! I still advise everyone to use SPF 30 everyday they go outside!

We spent the last minutes of our vacation, eating Wendy's (because our dinner we tried to make failed) and listening to 99.9 in my car in K-Lot.

This was definitely a weekend to remember for the rest of my life.

Perfect Man Criteria: Tell her She's Beautiful

Hello 2am insomnia.

What better way to celebrate this with a little blogging!

Actually at 2:13 I texted my ex and told him I couldn't get to sleep.

He responded "me neither."

So between five texts back and forth. I realized another Perfect Man criteria.

I like this guy a lot, letting him go was the hardest thing I am going to have to do in my life. It was going to be long distance, and I could tell that he wasn't up for it or ready for it. So well, I didn't give him the choice to be up for it. I told him that I loved him and will always love him. And it wasn't him, it was the distance, and maybe in the future, when we are closer we can give this relationship a try again.

I hope I didn't make him cry.

But one of his greatest perfections (noticed I said only one...he has many) is that he always ALWAYS told me I was beautiful.

Or pretty.

Or gorgeous.

And not once, HOT.

Not that HOT isn't a compliment, it is. There are so many words in the English language and someone chooses hot...just do not do it. Beautiful, Gorgeous or Pretty are much better diction choices. The fact that he always used better diction really gave him some more points down the relationship road.

When I get up, I sometimes look like this. When I work out I look somewhat like this. And on days when I can't fall asleep until 3am or 4am, I look like this.

He told me that I was beautiful even on those days.

And when I brought up I look like crap. He would remark something along the lines of "you make crap look goooood."

And believe me, even though I looked like a three year old girl with a unibrow, he still let me kiss him thank you.

I am sure I am not the only girl that feels like she looks like crap. Heck, we all have those days. And sometimes, we do look like crap. Sometimes it is for a day, or a week, or a month, or a year.

Usually we have a significant other to get us through those hard times. Those hard times would go more smoothly and be more worth it if, compliments was a regular part of the relationship.

I'm speaking for every girl on this world. All of us are not confident with something of our bodies. Whether it would be our stretch marks, or our extra rolls or whatever it is. We have insecurities.

A compliment from a significant other is a good thing for our confidence, in fact it is one of the best.

Sometimes we feel undesirable, it is okay.

You are with her for a reason, boys and men. Remind her why that reason is. Take her out to dinner for the reason because she is the most beautiful woman in the world to you, send her flowers at work with the note "you are very pretty", or just flat up walk in and go "wow, you are gorgeous today." Or leave a post it on the bathroom saying, If I had the same reflection as you everyday, I would never leave because I wouldn't be able to take my eyes off you.

She will either be speechless, or kiss you, or look at you very strangely. But she will appreciate it. Whatever she does, she will be grateful she was reminded why she is with you. Because you are sweet and remind her about her awesome good looks.

Many woman are not reminded by there significant other that they are beautiful and it is really a shame. I think compliments would help the relationship and strengthen it. If you say something positive, the next time you are in a negative mood. She won't be thinking about how you are always saying "mean" things. It will just be a dent along the road, not a massive pothole.

Don't leave it at beautiful, boys. There are many things that is considered a compliment by women. Is she your baby mama and doing a great job? Remind her.

Does she put up with a friend of yours that stays over night a little too much? Remind her.

Pretty much boys. Be thankful your woman is in your life.

Remind her why she is today.

(Obviously do not over do it. Say it when she least expects it, do not make it a routine. Be genuine but make sure you say it!!! You want her to think that she is the only woman in your life for you. She may be. But act like it!!! )

Lake!!!

How I have missed thee!

Tubing, skiing, eating, laying, napping, reading, swimming, running, laughing!

And so much more.

For the first time this summer, I am finally able to go up to the lake!!!

This is what I look like right now. (I'm the pale one!)

Why is my text blue? Can you see that? Well, if you can I apologize. I hope you enjoy it.

Love you all. I'll have a great weekend and so will you!

Perfect Man Criteria: Protection

Although this is a manly level scale, I find it quite helpful! (Thanks, Bailey Hess and Megan Vogel!)

Women do not need men to fight off bears or slay dragons. In fact, most woman can do that themselves nowadays.

This is probably a good criteria to have, boys. We want to feel safe or that you have our backs. Even if your girlfriend is a black belt, she still wants to feel safe with you. So do not even think to say, well, my girlfriend does karate, so I do not need to fit this criteria. NOOOO. What is wrong with you? This is necessary!

This includes:

• getting up at three am to drive us home from "dark places"
• putting your arm around us during scary movies but not feeling us up
• holding us when we cry, even for what you think are the stupidest reasons.

You do not have to be a good physical shape to protect your woman. No. I repeat, good physical shape is not necessary to protect us. It wouldn't hurt but it is not a CRITERIA.

So when you are out on the town with her,

• do not talk to "scary-looking" people you do not know
• Do not make her sit in the car alone, in the dark, while you disappear to do god knows what for five minutes. Take her with you, or, better yet, save your errands for later.
• Avoid frightening her when you are alone. Group scares are always fun, if she is worth it she will laugh at that. If you are alone with her and you scare her, she'll either start crying or be very angry at you.
• Do not pretend that you are the big man and are going to scare everybody else with your tough guy. You just look stupid, act like yourself, you aren't impressing anyone, you are just embarrassing her.

I would like to add on the embarrassing her part. Protecting her may not always be physically. If she walks out of the bathroom with toilet paper strolling from her shoe, don't ignore it, try to take it off(with your own shoe!) or tell her, "Hey honey, be careful where you walk in the bathroom next time." Or if there is food stuck in her teeth. Be calm, act like it is no big deal and say to her quietly that their is food in her teeth. If you get grossed out and don't want to see her picking her mouth, add that you will wait for her while she "fixes" it in the bathroom. It's no big deal, but a girl likes to look nice and either of these things would ruin her night. (How long did I have that thing trailing after me? He must think I am an idiot and don't know how to eat...)

I have successfully found criteria one of being a Perfect Man: sense of protection.

Thanks again to my lovely friend Bailey Hess and her partner in not so much crime-Megan Vogel for the creative way to be manly!!! Now go save your woman!!! Or thank your man!!!

Wordless Wednesdays

Dedicated to my Loyal Follower

The Search for the Criteria of the Perfect Man

So last night I was talking to my man friend and he brought up that in his mind, I was the perfect woman. I felt completely flattered and I blushed. So I started searching for what the perfect man was, so I could give him a compliment back.



First I tried google. Well, it turns out Hilary Duff was in a movie called the perfect man, and for the first page or so, that is all google could concentrate on. Even though I was a Hilary Duff fan (quite the fan---I thought we were sisters because we had the same initials---stalker!!!). I have never heard of it or watched it. From what I saw on the google search page, it wasn't very good. Bummer Hilary, maybe you will come back yet!

Then after talking to Rob (my man friend) about this predicament, he mentioned it was a pity that I wasn't on the images. That was super sweet. We kept talking and he brought up Urban Dictionary.

Why didn't I think of Urban Dictionary before? Isn't that where I got my sexual education? (Do not tell anyone!) I decided to try urban dictionary. I thought for sure it would help me. After I waded though the random names love-sick girls have published in the EDUCATIONAL SITE. (Not for love sick girls, stay away love sick girls) This is what I found....


Perfect Man according to Urban Dictionary!


1.A man who can cook and clean. Is very rare.
2.Doesn't Exist
3.A baby boy who has yet to become an a** hole.




So for the first time ever, Urban Dictionary was unhelpful. (Though they all were very humorous...except for the love sick girls. Gross. Go away love sick girls)

And although they were very funny. They did not help me. I need criteria. A list. Something I can check off if he makes the cut.

I am not a picky person. So my list would be minimal. So I am going to go out and ask. Yes. Ask women(single, married, divorced, crazy, old, young, homeless, rich, etc), even gay men, their opinions on what a perfect man is.

Then I shall publish it here, in between my regular posts, and see if I can finally make this list for all women to use.

So if they want to call their man a perfect man, they know exactly where to turn.

"See honey, you meet all the criteria!"

French Fries

So on Monday after a great dinner at Applebees. I felt very full.

And then it hit me..the only thing that makes me feel horrible is food.

And even though I love it, I am giving it up.

French fries. Not food itself. They are unhealthy for me and they slow me down. Literally. Like they fill me up and slow me down, so I can't walk.



So yesterday was my first day and it went pretty well. I worked out for an hour and a half. I need to work out like that more often. I was sweating everywhere but I feel so good today. Today I am going to run, so that is nice.

I did the dishes, took out the recycling and vacuumed yesterday. I don't want to do my homework. I still don't.

Right now all I want is french fries. But I shall deny the urge and instead eat my lunch with out them. Eventually I will be able to get over this feeling.

One more step of being healthy that I need to take in order to live.

The last thing I want is a heart attack.

Abandonment

He ignores me for the girls he likes.

I realized today that our friendship isn't mutual.
I may like him like that but I want to be friends with him more.
I need to fix this.

I need to see him as only a friend and not as a love interest.
This way, I can like the girls he hangs out with.
And not feel so jealous that he wants to not hang out with me for so and so.

I feel like this is a repeat of Paul.
I really liked him
I adored him as a friend.
But he did not adore me as one.
So he ditched me for his other friends.
I felt alone and scared.
I ended the relationship
and it put a strain on it for a very long time.
Our friendship will never be the same, and I hate that.

I realized how much I adored him today.
How handsome he is when he gives a half smile.
And how contagious his laugh is.
How much I want him in my life for a very long time.

I would do anything to make it stay that way.

I would drop everything to hang out with him
To talk to him
to give him company.
I would never ignore him for my love interest.
He would not, and that hurts the most.


This needs to end.
I don't want to feel the way I do about Paul about him.
I want to always be his friend and not feel abandoned.
So here is my plan

No texting, unless he texts first.
No facebook chatting, unless he chats.
If he wants to hang out, I will be happy to.
If he wants to work out, he can ask me.

And if that means, not see him everyday. So be it.
I'll miss him. But I can't deal with being abandoned again.
It hurts too much and I want to cry.

I'm a selfish friend.
That needs to change.

She's a Monster.

I have that song stuck in my head.

I skyped with the boy I'm dating last night. It was fun.

Now I am going running because I feel fat.

Date

Well I had a date last night. And I had a great time. I think he did too.

I rushed home from work and struggled to clean up the kitchen, my room and myself. I wore my favorite blue skirt about calve low (I'm not a slut) and my pink polo shirt. I wore minimum makeup, like always and I made sure my hair was somewhat not messy. Though that is IMPOSSIBLE with my hair. There is just too much of it.

Let me tell you a little about this guy. He is brilliant, very handsome, soft brown hair, great smile, sings a little, very talented piano player, taller than me(not hard to do), in my opinion, he is pretty awesome.

So date=successful evening. That's about it.

Stood-Up

So I got semi-stood up. Does Cancelling less than two hours count as being stood-up? I think it should. Oh well, I am sort of on the fence about dating again anyway. Mixed blessing? I think so.

So here is my plan for tomorrow(later this morning). I shall get up and finish my bonus points for my online class. Then I should start the reading for my philosophy class.

But man I am tired and hot. I don't want to go to sleep because I am scared about the movie I just saw.

I watched Silent Hill for the first time tonight and for the record, it wasn't that scary. But thinking about it and being in the situation freaks the crap out of me. But I do not think I will ever adopt a daughter anyway, sons are the way to go. haha. That's mean.

The plot was amazing and the ending went even better. I am saddened I didn't discover this movie before tonight. I wanna see it again to figure out what every thing means and the symbolism.

That is all. Good night World

wednesday

What did I do Wednesday?

That is a good question. I woke up as sticky as a lollipop after falling out of a child's hand and next to a very close friend, Nick. I hate sleeping alone, so when learning of an opportunity to have a sleep over I am more than enthusiastic to offer my bed. (To a small population, not the whole world, of course)

I started my homework, which of course begins checking the Facebook and then moving on to the important activities. It was almost too hot to function. Correction: It was too humid to function. Bailey and I decided that we would have a bonding shower time. Wait? Back up, you showered together. For the record, we did not. She was in the shower next to me and it was separated by 2 curtains and a wall.

By the time we got out and dressed, I was already hot again. I decided to get lunch in the Student Center and bowl. I wanted to bowl today for two reasons: I did not want to do my homework and I wanted to see if I could repeat my high bowling score of a 132.

I got a buffalo wrap from the World of Wings place in the basement of the center and sat down in the UnderGround, which is also where Nick works. I will never order a buffalo wrap from there again, it was much too hot for me. Not like it burns hot, but the spicy hot.

After I finished eating, I moved on to bowling. In which I was semi good, but did not reach my high score of 132. (a 122 was the highest I got today)

Then I went to class which was an uncomfortable three hours long. We discussed the boring stuff I had read about the night before. I met a guy that was on the same floor as Pip when he went here and that was very small world for me. I obviously didn't mention it, as he was never on campus anyway and probably stuck to himself or Mandy and Alex when he did hang out with real people.

And anyway, it was a long time ago, so if he did remember him, why would it matter?

Then after class, I was going to go to the Gym, but it was much to hot for that. Bailey brought Pizza back and we pigged out on that goodness. I started and finished my homework. Laid around in bed as it was still too humid to function and got ready to go to Target.

At Target we rushed around filling up our red Target cart full of sparkling water(on sale!) and some candy and Cosmo. Then discovering that I like sparkling water and deals way too much we had to stop at the dorm before we parked my car a mile away to drop things off in my room.

It was after seven so Bailey decided to wait in the car while I ran in and dropped the sparkling water goodness off at our room. The clouds were beautiful on the drive down to the parking lot. I took out my camera and snapped some pictures...while driving...very unsafe by the way and not recommended. Also the pictures did not turn out like I wanted to so that is a shame.

Since then, I have been doing homework and enjoying my new barbie toys a friend gave to me. I like summer.

Date tonight. A little nervous.

Like...?

How do I know if I like him?

This isn't cool.

People have been telling that we are perfect together and that we should get together and that we are already like we are married. Do you understand that? And. they. do. not. back. down. They keep saying that. That we are cute together. Sweet, disgusting things like that.

So then, I feel like they are right and I walk around thinking that. Or wondering if he likes me like that. Flattering, but probably not possible.

But I start seeing like little signs that he likes me...

Am I seeing these signs because the people bring it up?

Do I actually like him?

My heads a mess right now. I don't think he likes me like that. In fact, I have asked him if he does, he does not. I do not know if I like him like that. I didn't even think about about liking him like that until our friends brought it up. Do they bring it up with him? Is he wondering the same thing? Is he just as confused?

How do you determine if you like someone like that? And how do I determine if he likes me like that, but is too afraid to make a move?

I am this close, THIS CLOSE, to telling the people to bug off. That wouldn't be nice. But instead of helping the situation, they created it. And ugh, I dislike not knowing for sure.

I am the kind of person who needs to know where she is in life. Not knowing who she likes for sure is not a position I like to be in.

Wordless Wednesdays

Foundation

I realized my downfall.

I am the type of person that puts 100% in to her relationships. And when they fail, I am devastated.

But I am not going to change myself because someday I will meet a friend or a boyfriend that does the same thing and understand how much it hurts that it didn't work out.

And plus, I live for the moment. That everything is going to last forever and I think that is a real plus because I lay down the foundation to a relationship. So even if the the walls are sort of thin and the door aren't tall enough for an average human, we are good because we have our strong foundation.

And that's a flaw, I am gonna have to learn to deal with.

Surprising Moments Are in Everyones Life

And I love each and every one of them.

Over it

I really do not know how boys could be so stupid.

ughhh. okay, I know this post and the last post are like minutes apart but I thought they should be separated.

These are two different feelings about two different men in my life.

I expected an apology. But I really don't think he knew how much he hurt me. I don't think he knew that he hurt me. period.

Which is why, I guess, I do not need an apology. Really. Maybe it was my fault for being hurt and yes, it probably was.

I am happy with the friendship we have and I can put the past in the past. But it was really really really hard to get over him. romantically. And I am very jealous of the girls who get to hang out with him.

Sad? Yes, I am pathetic. But whatever. I was just like this is it, this is it, this is it. And then, nothing. So I was a little let down.

I guess I am a little bit flattered at the same time. He sees me as a friend and a strong person that doesn't let anything or anyone get her down.

Which I guess is a compliment. Really. I liked to be viewed as a strong woman. And I am a strong woman...most of the time. But I still get hurt.

I mean, most guys are oblivious, I don't know why I expected him to be different. I just thought he saw the world better and at a different angle then most guys. But I guess I just had high hopes for him.

I am not mad. I just realized how little and how much I meant to him. I mean, romantically, I am nothing. But friendship wise, I am something to him.

And I discovered I would rather be his friend then bring up the old stuff and get his apology.

But I still like him "like that". It is upsetting to me that I do. Oh well.

confizzled

I've been realizing more and more how confused I am.

I texted Superman last night. He texted me back. A.K.A we talked for a bit, like three hours actually.

He doesn't know what he wants. And the reason why I made the breakup official is because it is always going to be a problem. It is always going to come up in the relationship. He is always going to wonder (if we stay together) if he really likes me for me. I can't be pulled around like that and I do not want to be the girlfriend he regrets dating because of that.

I know he really likes me, otherwise, why would he have made two trips to my house to see me?

This weekend went better than expected. In fact it was amazing. But I didn't really have time to think about my next move, boy wise. I think that is a good thing. I think.

Because I don't need this. I don't need a boy in my life. I discovered this, this year. I have great friends, I have not-so-great friends and I have people to have fun with. I have a social life.

For the first time in my life, I have a social life. And I like it.

But I am still confused.

Lonely

That is all.

Relationships

I am not sure where my life is headed right now...at least in terms of dating.

Anthony and I decided that we were better off just being friends and I am not sure what I think about that. For awhile, I really thought he was the one. Now I don't know. He didn't feel the same way, so it obviously wasn't meant to be.

I am sort of indifferent to the whole "boyfriend" thing. I only wanted a boyfriend when I discovered I really liked him. Now that I don't really like someone I don't really care. I will just take what life throws at me.

But does that mean I am single now? Do I start looking for dates? I had just put myself back on the market when I met Anthony, so I am not sure how single and looking for dates is suppose to act.

I'm back to square one I suppose.


I don't even want sex anymore. I am really happy I don't. When I have sex again, I really want it to be special and romantic. I want it to be with someone that I feel like I have a future with, whether it is just a long-term relationship or friendship or marriage or whatever. Anthony really helped me see that I deserve better then one-night stands with jerks.

The good news is Summer Session I is done. Which means Math...is done. And unless I completely screwed up...Math for me...is done forever.

Thoughts

Dear People,

Hi.

Today has not gone off on the foot I wanted it to go off on. (For reference, left foot)

It is only 12:37am so it has to get better. I will eventually use my left foot.

No one seems to read this except for my one follower. (Thanks follower--Luke) So I guess it's okay if I share my whole feelings to the rest of the world.

Or maybe it isn't. Maybe that's the problem, I am too open. I share too much. I am too loose.

It seems like whenever my life decides to get a boo boo, I feel like I could never be happier. And then the news comes and I am devastated that my life wasn't as perfect as I thought it would be.

When my grandmother died, I had just got a new boyfriend. (It turned out to be just an online thing and nothing more.) But being the girl I am I was so happy and ready to do this full fledged relationship and dump my old boyfriend out the window. He didn't speak English, so it's okay...haha no it isn't but still.

When my grandfather died,I think I was happy, I am not quite sure. I knew it was going to happen and I am glad that most of his family was doing what he loved when it did. (We were fishing....or I was, at least, most of my cousins were doing god know what). I would have rather been with him when he passed but what am I going to do? It is history.

You know my grandfather was the first man to call me beautiful. I was 14 years old and the gawkiest thing around. My hips were swelling and my breast didn't exist as much as they do now. He said I was very lucky to have an hourglass figure with such a small waist, many woman would love that. "What does it matter, Grandpa. It isn't like I am going to get a guy or anything."

I remember him stopping, thinking....probably about "what the heck have I gotten myself in to". And then explaining to me about how I was beautiful and if a guy is what I want in life, I will get it. "But don't tell anyone this, Hannah, you are my favorite German Gal and you are going to do great things." In less words and in a mean sort of way. But there is no way I can capture Douglas Shockley Daniels in print, no no no. That is impossible.I am not even going to try.

I think what I liked most about Grandpa is that he was a kind kind man, but he wasn't always nice. I do not think he treated my grandma as well as he should have in the earlier years of marriage and oh my, he sounded like a rampant teenager when he was younger.

It gives me hope for the future. His bad past didn't reflect on what kind of life he had later in life. Maybe my bad decisions will be the same way. Maybe they won't. But either way, I have to live to have life.

And that is an option that doesn't come with a dealbreaker.

[Sorry about the grammar and spelling. I didn't read over this. ]

rewritten

Well, I finally emailed my ex to get my old posts back. I stated in the email that he had every right to delete my email and that if it was possible could I get them back. He sent me a really angry email back saying that because I was immature and rude to him. He even corrected the grammar and spelling on my letter.

Here is my reply that I sent: I appreciate the answer.

Here is the reply I wish I sent:

Pip,
I do not know if I would call my actions rude and immature post breakup. I was trying to be diplomatic and professional. Overall, I was waiting for my money and then I was going to cut you out of my life forever.
I'm in a happier place in life, happier then I ever was with you, happier then I have ever been in life, maybe. Almost immediately after breaking up with you, I realized I deserved someone who had dreams and went for his dreams. That I deserved someone who would allow me to follow my dreams as well.
I wish I could sue you. I wish my emotional pain could be proven in court. You used me. You constantly used verbal manipulation to make me do things for you. After the relationship, I thought I owed men sex, that that was the only thing I was good for. You put this idea in my mind. And I hate you for it. I never loved you. Ever.
You got me by buying me gifts and by isolating me. I stayed with you because I was alone. And you put another idea in to my head, that I only had you. I didn't only have you. I have everyone and I don't need you. I never did.
I pray for your future girlfriends and if you ever get married your future wife. You expected me to throw away my family, my friends, my education, and my life to only be with you. You will never change, you will always expect that from a girl. It is a hard thing to do, I almost was able to do it.
I thought maybe one day you would surprise me and be a better friend than a boyfriend or change so I could be with you. You will never surprise me, you will never pay me back. This is typical you. This will never change.
I try to remember the good and not the bad with our relationship. That is hard to do. But I will do it. I will not regret ending it with you.
Your rude and immature ex,
Hannah

P.S. Go to hell. Thanks and good bye.


I like

My Weekend.

I had a pretty good weekend. After going to the Bad Waitress with Bianca. And having a delicious Chicken burrito and American fries. I'd highly recommend it. It is really close to MCAD and it is a beautiful neighborhood. http://www.thebadwaitress.com/ There is a German restaurant across the street which also has very good food. She dropped me off at home with an hour to spare to get to work. I watered the garden and the plants around the house in my cute outfit I was wearing.

When I got to work, it wasn't that bad. I worked nine hours and when I went home to my big empty four bedroom, four bathroom HUGE DARK HOUSE. I just wanted to go back to work.

So I worked nine hours on Saturday too. I enjoy my job, I do. The people I work with are great and it was awesome. Yesterday, I went to work to cashier for 7 hours and then be a Front End Closing Manager for the next five. It was busier than a normal Sunday but not bad. I enjoyed being closing manager and I think I would be good at it with practice but ehh, I don't think I could do that for the rest of my life.

Today I got up and started packing. I went to the grocery store and saved 24 dollars with coupons and my discount. I bought a lot of food for my roommate and me. Three bags for only 49 dollars.

Now I am sitting in my dorm room. Alone. I have a test tomorrow and I need to study. Plus I have three Chapters due for my online class by Wednesday and a final on Thursday. I have another test for my online class on Friday. Let just say I have a busy week. This is my last week of math and I am very thankful for that. It has been a stressful five weeks but I will be glad when Math is done and over with.

With my major, I still have a stats class to take and two accounting classes to take. I do not think it is bad. My boyfriend informed me that he has to take up to Calculus for his major. I laughed at that. I am glad that Stats and Accounting is all I really have left with Math. It's not that I am not good at it. I am. It is just that I get bored of doing it and I dislike it a lot.

When I took Calculus concepts in High School, I would literally fall asleep on top of my math work everyday. Then when the tests came, I would Ace it. One or two wrong. The worst I ever did was an A-. The teacher started moving me around the class during tests days. After three quizzes went by and four table moving later, he asked me if I found the class easy...

I would say so.

Easy and pointless. Like most of my high school classes were. Except for Gym because baby, I loved gym. I loved the weight room and the fun runs and abs and step aerobics and the weight room....

Now that I wasted some time doing that I am on to studying.

The Seer

I feel very hip.

I am sitting in the Panera in downtown Minneapolis with an outfit I bought from Ragstock. It is a pink dress with floral leggings and a large black belt. I've been sitting here since 8:40am it is now 10:40am. So I don't feel that hip. I feel like Panera.

I really need to pee but don't want to give up my spot. Plus Bianca is picking me up at 11 so I don't have to wait long.

I have seen a lot of people come through here. There was a group of woman talking about Teenage boys and their hairstyles. A group of workers on break. A special person rocking back and forth telling everyone that dinosaurs were dragons and God told him that. He was my favorite. He kept saying that they were as big as a building and they swim in the sea. When they swim in the sea the water bubbles.

Right now there is a group of two guys. One is wearing that blackberry headset, he is wearing a sliver shirt and khaki pants and talking about USBs. It charged for three days. One guy has long dark brown hair with a baseball cap on backwards. the other guy has short blonde hair and is very thin. They both have acne. Ick. The blonde guy thinks he is the shit. I think he looks greasy.

I just saw my freshman crush from high school. He still looks amazing. Oh my :) He said hello and asked me what I was doing here!! Very nice guy, I can see why I liked him

There is a mother and daughter having lunch as well and now a very obese black woman/man is limping past me with a cane. There is an elderly couple having lunch...very cute.

Okay the two guys are talking about his therapist. Interesting. He can only see him once a month and he can't see his shrink at all. I am very chilled. The blonde guy with the metallic silver who think he is a shit just unloaded his whole bag. He has a breathlizer in his bag. "I need...I need...a poweradapter...this is so stupid...I get confused." Oh now he is showing off his 2 MP3 players but is not sure of his status. Now he lowered his voice. He has one of those voices that you just want to slap him. Stop being so pretentious, using big words like you know what you mean. The old lady is trying to see who he is. She keeps peeking around the corner to look at them. She is one of those ladies whose head bobs when she just sits there. He stands prententious too with his hip out. You should of been here, they were quite the characters.

There is something wrong with both of them. Well I should probably get up and pack up and find a bathroom. I am going to lunch with Bianca we are going to THE BAD WAITRESS.

More to come, I will keep you updated. I am sure I could've described my day better.