Facebook Challenge

I MADE IT THROUGH 24 HOURS!!

It feels awesome.

Facebook Challenge: Hour 16ish

This is horrible!! For those of you with out a Facebook addiction, this is painful. Every single time I check my email, I start typing "fac-" NO! I have to tell myself NO! It is actually really sad.

I guess it became a habit. Check my Facebook and check other peoples Facebooks and then move on to business. Ten minutes later, repeat. It's only been 16-17 hours and I want to check it. What am I missing? What if someone wrote on my wall? What if someone needs me? Do I have any friend requests? What so and so doing? Whose is she dating? Oh, wow, I wonder if he has a brother. Repeat.

Well. Back to the real world.

My Facebook Challenge

I realized today that Facebook has been a part of my daily routine since sophomore year in high school.

This is upsetting.

So with no conversation with friends, nothing. I am not going on Facebook for six months.

Think I can do it? No, me neither.

I gave it up today, September 21st 2010 at 4:30pm.

I can not go on until March 22nd 2011 at 5:30pm.

I won't even go on it if I start looking at internships to 'clean up'. I will ask a friend, hey can you do me a favor? And I will give that friend my password and tell that friend to update my facebook so it is clean! :) If I remember my password, haha.

My goals of this challenge is to:

1. Get less dependent of technology.

2. Get less dependent off facebook.

3. Clear up my time.

4. Make facebook a non-daily thing and a weekly or even monthly thing.

5. Whatever other goals I discover on the way.

It's been a hard six hours. But I am working through it. =] I think I will make it. This is going to be a good break!

I think I covered everything.

In All Seriousness

Being single is hard.

Don't get me wrong, I do not want a boyfriend, at least not right now. I'm too busy and wouldn't have time for him. But can't a girl complain once and awhile? I mean, it's not easy being in a relationship, but it is not easy being single neither.

It's been a little over a year since my ex and I split. And it has been a wonderful year of being alone(and not so alone) . But I am a little restless and a little mad.

When I look back on the year and all the "failed" relationships, yeah, I get angry. These boys (most of them anyway) are using me and I am not doing anything to stop it. What am I doing wrong?

People always tell me, "it's not you, Hannah, it's them." And I say, "yeah, I know." I'm lying. I know I have trust issues (as in I trust too much) and no issues (as in I can't say it) and guilt issues (as in I feel bad for people). I get hurt a lot for those issues. It would be nice to have one guy just stick, so I wouldn't have to deal with this heartbreak.

I'm kind of scared. Kind of...no. Am...yes. I have a fear that I am going to help people that aren't grateful of my help. I am going to trust people that misuse that trust. I am going to say yes and not be actually willing to do anything. I am going to feel bad for those people and keep doing those actions anyway.

I realized...today...that I want to be appreciated. I want to be loved, to feel loved, to feel needed. But I also want that person that treats me like a princess (because I am one), that takes care of me (when I can't take care of myself), that wakes me up in the morning. But I don't necessarily want to have to do the work to get that person.

So I am happy, but I am restless. I am in this mood where I don't want to have a boyfriend, but ehhhh, it would be nice to have one.

I just think my emotional side would be less drained if I had one. Does that make any sense?

I know relationships don't last forever. I know that. I have been through that plenty of times. I want a guy to make me feel pretty when my confidence isn't up all the way, a guy to kiss me when I feel completely disasterous.

For the most part, I want a guy that will let me live my life, but act as vice-president once and awhile. I feel bad asking for a business deal boyfriend. But sometimes those are best.

Deleting My Facebook

Yep. Soon. As soon as I figure out how to back up my pictures and everything. It is gone!

Today.

My life has done a complete 180 turn...AGAIN!

Let's just say I am a little more positive today then I was even only 24 hours ago. I decided that if I try to forget about the little bad events that make me unhappy, then I can be happy. Although I am still dealing with my problems on my own time, I am trying not to bring people down with my slippery slope of ups and downs this past month.

But anyway, today I went to the Twins Game with the Honors Club. I was really upset last year when I didn't get my position on the E-Board but it is all for the best. I am the VP of German Club, an Officer for Quidditch Club AND I am trying to be the best FRIEND anyone could ever have. I think I am doing an okay job on that last one!

But anyway, back to my day. It was my friends Bailey's birthday. Below is Bailey.

And Veronica decided to come to the Twins Game with me. Below is Veronica.

So the two girls that are amazing to me! Along with hot Robert and Ben all got on the Voigt Buses and headed off to Minneapolis.

The Target Field is AMAZING! It is breathtaking! Wonderful! It is so much better in real life then in the pictures I have seen! I spent so much money on food, a poster of Joe Mauer and a Twins' T-shirt. But it was so worth it!

More and more everyday I learn to love my body. It is beautiful! I love my curves and small waist and everything else! I wouldn't change a thing. I do like to complain about my boobs though!

I'm gonna end it there, because I still have some homework to do for tomorrow. :) I'm so glad I am happy again!!

Brent's Blog

Hey (lack of) Followers,

http://sproutingsouls.blogspot.com/

This is my friends Brent's blog. He wants some more views!! :) He is a nice and fun guy, so it is definitely worth a check!

-Hannah

Just Some Quotes

We're having too good of time today, we ain't thinking about tommorrow-John Dilligner

Spain doesnt speak spanish....oh wait yes they do, that's where it came from-Nick Ferguson

Grandpa Ruder (on hard work): Having fun is more fun, but it never works out well.

I never had to back out of a conflict because of a boner. -Nick Ferguson

Frau Mueller: Do not underestimate what you have. !

Elizabeth Rother: Hannah, it is really inappropriate that you smell your buttcrack in the bathroom when you think no one is looking.

Stephanie(talking about her bad mood): We can have that crazy lesbian sex ,that's fine.

Me: I don't dance like a whore. My vagina is not for sale.

Eric Hines: Just don't be anyones fleshy blow up doll.

Stephanie Hendrickx: Just assuming everything is a lie...

Denin Oliver: You can not complain if you do not do anything about it to change it.

It's like Napoleon Dynamite on crack.

Rachel: Hannah would treat me differently if I was special.

Rebekah: Auntie Mary, like...don't. go. on. waves.

Grandma Daniels: You have a choice. To cry or to laugh. So what are you going to do? You are going to laugh.

Paul Hummon: wait a second, let me get this straight. You do not want boobs AND you do not want to be blonde. Do you not want to attract guys? (I love you bro)

Anthony Schwartz: I LOVE FLEET FARM. It has everything you need, except for basic life necessities.

Anthony about a woman smoking: that disgusts me!

Me: That turned me on. That's hot.

Always do what you are afraid to do.

The Joker: I believe... that what doesn't kill you makes you....stranger.

I have no faith in men anymore.

What am I doing wrong?

Helping

People will always use me. And I will always let them.

I can't change who I am because people are greedy and mean. I can't stop what I am good at doing because some people don't deserve it. Because some people do. And I can't be picky when I help people.

I recently realized that I am a too trusting individual. I trust everyone I meet and usually stay trusting after they break it. Why? Who knows? Is it because I have some kind of faith in humanity? Or is it because I want to hurt myself?

It hurts when someone you trust betrays you. There is really nothing you can do about it. Accept it and move on. I am not going to let a few people ruin my trust for other people. Those people that ruined it can suck it, I don't respect you anymore. Get over yourself.

Other than that betrayal, I have been working hard trying to be a 'good' Community Advisor. I think I am succeeding.

Next week, I start getting in to the swing of things. Working out everyday! (YES EVERYDAY!) Doing my homework on time. This weekend I need to catch up on homework. Tonight I need to catch up on homework. It's been a stressful few weeks.

Frustrated.

Why do you do this to me? Why?

What did I do to you?

Whatever it was, I am so sorry. Really I am. I must of been horrible. For you to tell all my secrets to a stranger, to try to ruin my relationship with a guy I really liked and still like, to air my insecurities like they weren't a big deal, to blow little things in to huge proportions, to make me feel so guilty about my life choices that didn't match with yours.

I don't know what to say. Except that I am sorry for the things I said or did to make you act like this. To make you sad or upset enough to make me sad or upset enough.

I hope you got your revenge and you can be happy now.

Life Lessons

I've discovered who I was last year.

I'm thankful I am stable.

I'm confident.

Went through heartbreak last year that ended badly.

Went through heartbreak last year that didn't end badly.

I'm friends with an ex. I'm not friends with an ex.

I don't have just one best friend.

I learned what I need to do to stay happy.

I'm healthy.

...

I know who I am.

I see people in their good side.

I am trusting.

The only person whose flaws I can see and judge on is myself.

I discover something new about myself everyday.

...

I don't cry anymore.

I'm happy.

I have political views.

I can see things that others can not.

...

:)

I wish people would just say how they are feeling.

Happiness

I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. I'm having so much fun being a CA. I love doing things with my ladies! It's a blast and I love it.

Last night I hung out with my friend Veronica. :) She is a great person, she is really nice. She curled my hair and I curled her. We talk about boys and how confusing they are. We ranted about how stupid the song, "All the Single Ladies" was. (Or more like, I did and she stood there and laughed)

I try to remember the days when I was unhappy and when I did not have friends. I do remember, it just seems so surreal. Like a really bad dream. I have moved on in my life and I love the person I have become.

I love me, I love my body, I love my friends, I love my job.

I'm bursting with being happy. I'm stressed out, I'm frustrated, but I am still happy. I am not the miserable 16 year old girl anymore. I really feel like I put my past behind me.

Speaking of my past, I don't cry when I start thinking about it. Some parts make me momentarily sad but I do not have to close my door when I think about it. I think about it, reflect on how far I come and move on. No tears, no I wish it didn't happen to me, nothing. Just a good reflection on my life and my accomplishments.

I feel like my life is going somewhere good and that I am going to help people. I feel like my 12 year old self is proud of me (Finally).

My weeks are getting fuller and fuller. I love my ladies. I love the way people look at me and treat me. They all have questions. I answer them as best as I can.

I'm looking forward to all of my classes. I feel like I am going to learn so much this year. I am very excited. I can't wait! My favorite class is probably womens studies, but that is probably because Beth is teaching it.

Overall, I know this is going to be a great year. I have a lot to do and little time but I know I am going to love it!

My New Neighbors

My ladies are amazing. They all want to do so much to help make this a community and I have a feeling it is going to be a great year.

As for the rest, I am really excited for my life this year.

More to come

SAVE THIS RESTAURANT

PLEASE IF YOU LIVE IN THE TWIN CITIES AREA! DONATE DONATE DONATE!

Dear Friends,

I want to introduce you to two amazing women.

Shegitu Kebede, http://shegitukebede.com, (winner of the McKnight Humanitarian Award) and Frewoini Hailei are co-owners of the East African restaurant, Flamingo in St. Paul. You may or may not know them - if not, then I hope you will meet them soon. Their stories are powerful. Shegi is an author and wrote about her experiences in a book called "Hidden Scars, Visible Strengths", a moving account of her journey to safety as a refugee women that I encourage you all to read. Both women are powerful examples of beauty, faith, strength and courage.

I'm writing today on their behalf - to ask for your help.

Due to a unforeseen circumstances, they may have to close the doors of the restaurant by the end of this week - which would be a great loss to all of us. Not only because we would lose a wonderful restaurant but because the restaurant has a much greater purpose.

Shegi and Fre opened the Flamingo with a powerful vision in mind - to help refugee women transform their stories of suffering and loss into stories of triumph and healing. As refugee women themselves, they know first hand, the challenges of having left behind all they knew and loved to start a new life in an unfamiliar country.They understand the journey of healing that is needed to move from a place of unimaginable pain, loss and abuse to one of contentment, peace and strength. The restaurant is simply a vehicle to reach that goal.

Why are Shegi and Fre in need of your help today?

Back in June, the restaurant experienced an electrical surge in the system that originated from somewhere else in the city. The result was that they lost all of the restaurants major appliances (fridge, ice maker, oven fans, air conditioner, etc). Unable to keep the restaurant open, they closed for three days - spending their reserves to replace all the food that was lost and fix or purchase new equipment.

With insurance in place they were confident that they would be back on track in no time. Unfortunately, this was not the case. Excel Energy said they were unable to compensate them for their loses - surges happen and they're out of their control. Their insurance company said they were not responsible - it was "an act of God". They did everything right . . . getting insurance, working hard, contributing to and reenergizing the community in which they are located, creating a beautiful vision for improving the lives of refugee women and more - and yet, the system failed them.

With their reserves gone and the insurance company turning down their claim - they are up against the wall. And to top things off, many of the patrons that frequent the restaurant, who would love to help, are fasting with the month of Ramadan and are not eating during daylight hours.

What can we do this week?

1. Visit the restaurant this week and bring a friend(s) to enjoy a wonderful East African meal.
2. Pass this e-mail on to friends who can share this with more friends or get the word out on Facebook.
3. Have a meeting at the restaurant this week.
4. Buy Gift Certificates for those you appreciate.
5. Have a party!
6. Visit the restaurant and let them know you support they're vision.
7. Order take-out for the office!! Flamingo can deliver.
8. Make a donation.
9. Celebrate your unBirthday!
10. Keep Shegi and Fre in your thoughts and prayers.

Our immediate goal.

1. To raise a total of $1200 by Friday, August, 20th (that would be approx. 35 people a day)
2. To raise an additional $1900 by the end of the month

Additional thoughts . . .

Radio interview with Shegitu about her book and her vision of hope and healing for other refugee women who have suffered through the trauma of war and oppression. TV exposure?

Any other thoughts or ideas are welcome. Once they meet this goal they will be back on track and able to continue building their vision. Together we can create the bridge they need to continue with the amazing work they are committed to doing.

Thank you and feel free to call with questions: 612-860-5658

Love,
Mona

Him.

I realized today that I still really liked him. really. really. really.

and I don't know what to do about it.

Hope

That's what I have everyday of my life.

It's been five training days and I am overjoyed with what I have learned so far! My team is amazing and I can't wait to get to know everyone of them!

Today, I met a guy I have been looking at the gym. That sounds creepy, but he is there when I am, everytime. We have the same workout schedules. I guess.

He said that he often saw me with my boyfriend. He was talking about Nick. After I corrected him, saying he is 'just a friend'. He kept talking to me. Cute boys are hard to come by and I like to talk to them. Especially when they are nice.

Two Days Down, 12 to Go

Oh it's been a busy two and a half days.

I started my Community Advisor training. It has been good but exhausting. Yesterday was so hot and we speeded through room condition reports as fast as we could.

My co-CA is awesome though. So nice...I'm glad I got someone as cool as her. We have been doing crafts like non-stop.

We had a team building day and I feel so close to all these people in this building. I love all my brothers and sisters! They are all so awesome! We have a wonderful team and we are going to have a wonderful time this year. I can feel it.

So I have two days of training done and I have twelve more to go. whew. It is going to be a busy couple of days. But worth it!!! If it goes as well as it has been.

I have to go review policies!

Summer has arrived and ended...

Well I had a good two days of summer.

Since I had classes all this summer, (I had a week break from spring semester to summer intersession, but since no one was home from college. I do not call that a "break".) this was the first weekend with out "classes" to worry about.

I went to my cabin. I was so excited to go. Thursday class went by uberslow and I was finally able to hit the road (After major packing up of the dorm....YAY.) at 5:30. However, I didn't actually get on the road until about 6:30. The ride was painless until I was about an hour away...my car radio doesn't work once we get out of big cities...so I was stuck with Steve Greens Christmas songs as a tape. Lets just say, three times through and I was ready to march to Steve Greens' house and show him how to really sing...with a bullet.

I was joking back there, I do not want to kill Steve Green. But I would like to kill that tape.

But the last hour, I turned off the music and sang to myself. I really hope someone saw me because really, that is me at my best moments. I even put the car on cruise and drove with my knees while I gave myself a hand puppet show.

I finally arrived there at 9:15pm. Speeding on that dirt road before my cabin was the hardest thing I will probably ever do. :p My dad was in his workshop in the garage and he said, "Hannah, I've been waiting for you." And we did the whole, lets chat about life but not get in to details thing we have down pat, have since 2004.

I ran down there, so excited to see everybody.

My mom was asleep, almost comatose on the couch. My aunt reading a book. And everybody else? On the couch watching Monsters Inc. I barely got a hello.

But we ended up staying up pretty late, talking about life. I only see this wonderful family every year at the beginning of August and I feel like this year I changed a ton....I am a happier person and I wanted to show it off.

Friday and Saturday went by super quickly. We swam across the lake and tie dyed. And watched another movie and went home.

Now I am sitting in my kitchen with the older girls around me. It is sad that I won't see them until next year after today. Kathryn is so cynical at 15, it makes me cry with laughter. Nicole has also changed a lot her first year in college but she is still the same obnoxious (in a good way) girl she has always been. Rebekah is still teeny tiny for her 9 years of life and joy she has. She really is my little pet, she follows me around everywhere and asks for my opinion on everything.

I went through pictures of my friends with Bekah and she thinks my guy friends aren't handsome. Nicole and Kathryn say they are indifferent but I don't believe them. I think all my guy friends are amazing and HOT!

So technically, my life as a Community Advisor starts tomorrow. I am excited but in a scared timid sort of way. This is like what I want to do the rest of my life. I hope that 1. I am good at it and 2. it is not as hard as it sounds. Oh and 3. I enjoy it.

I did the total of my books for this semester and with renting and buying used ones it comes to a whopping 696.50....DOLLARS. I about pooed in my pants!! That's a lot. I looked on the othersites....around the same amount for each one.

I decided that it is time for me to start eating healthy. I won't become a calorie counter BUT I am going to become more restricted of what I eat. I've always admired people who don't eat candy or turn down free food. I need to learn how to have that mindset. I do not need the mini snickers bar or the peanut butter m&ms. I work out way too much too waste it on something like that.

Plus, my french fry avoidance failed. Yes, failed. This is unacceptable. My uncle had a heart attack at 34. I do not want that to be me. So Hannah starts a new leaf with food this year. Put food in to my mouth that taste good and are good.

I had a long time to think about Anthony and I. After Monday, I was so glad to see him and we had a lot of fun. I remembered what I liked about him. Wednesday night rolled around and I realized that why was I so happy to see him? what did I gain from driving two hours and staying the night? (Besides fun...and I did have fun!) I still liked him, I still like him a lot. And spending all that time with him, made me realize that.

I was really freaking out, so I texted Nick. He attempted to calm me down with a "you'll get over it."

What if I don't and Anthony does? What if we're stuck in this limbo sort of phase forever?

Then this, I came to the conclusion that "this is enough. you need to cut strings. you need to get rid of him. this isn't healthy."

Then I thought about that for a long time while I was driving back home. Am I really this impatient? I can not wait and see what happens? Why does everything for me have to be this or that? Why can't it be grey?

I realized that yes, I am a control freak and yes, I do like direction in my life.

But Anthony is different. And as he pointed out to me, today, this is his first real relationship...

I'm too quick to label things. I always forget guys like to just lean in to things and see how it all plays out. Girls usually like to dive head first before looking to see if there is any water in the relationship. Sometimes, they crack their head open. Several times, I have cracked my head open. You think that would help us learn....

So once again, I am stepping back and taking a breathe. I know what I want. I want him in my life. I would be devastated if I scared him away.

I also know I want to do well at school. Boys are distractions...school is in two weeks. I need to concentrate on doing well...not whether or not we are or we aren't together.

That's all I am going to say about that for now. I am super tired and I can not wait to move in to my new home tomorrow! Thanks for reading.

Wordless Wednesdays

I know it has words...shhhhhh

Monday and other things

My last Monday of summer was spent with a very good friend of mine-Superman. I owed him a few visits because he came and visited me at home (three hours away from his own home) while we were dating. I had Monday off and he was done with fair stuff, so it was perfect timing.

It is important to say that I still have feelings for him, as he still has feelings for me. I was going to meet his whole family for the first time. (I have met his parents for a brief second at the end of the school year.) I was really nervous, they didn't know we dated, though they probably assumed, but nonetheless, this was a big step for him whether he realizes it or not.

After finally begging him to check out mapquest and making sure that the directions were in order,(They weren't they do not have all the roads I could take to his house. But he fixed it by sending me the directions). I got ready to go. My original plan was to get up at 6 and leave by 7am to head to his house.

I didn't get up by 6 and I didn't head off until 7:45. It was okay though because I still got there earlyish.

After I got off 94 I worried about finding his house. But it was surprising simple. It was sort of out of a horror type movie because it was foggy, the land was hilly and the roads were curvy. I missed one of the last turns and I ended up being lost for a little bit, but I figured it out. It was such a pretty area.

When I got there, he had no idea what to do. We were going to play softball with his rec group but it was canceled. So I got a "tour" of his land, I also saw very cute kitties.

It was good seeing him again. I was sad I could only stay until 2pm at the latest because I had to go home and see Bailey for the last time this summer. As we were trying to figure out what to do in that little time, Bailey texted me saying she was in Ohio with family and obviously was not able to come to cloud for the night.

So we planned to have lunch and to hang out in Alexandria for the afternoon. We went to Doolittles Woodfire Grill and both of us were very undressed. We had really good wings as an appetizer and I had fish and chips for my entree. I think he had a Reuben for his.

We decided to go to the mall and just enjoy the air conditioning. That was okay. Then I was like, hey I have a great idea, lets look for the futon I want for my dorm. So we ended up checking sears-no luck and big kmart-luck! I found three selections! I checked to make sure that it would have it at the Kmart in Cloudtown. Then we checked out Walmart for the selection. Thank goodness it had little to none.

We went to Target to pick up a few things I knew I needed for my dorm room. It looked like Anthony was having a heatstroke and I was getting worried. He laid down on the couch at Target (got a few weird looks but thats okay) and fell asleep. He got up and was like ready to go three minutes later. I have no idea how he does that.

After Target we decided to go back to his place and then I could leave. However, we decided we wanted to go hiking up Inspiration Peak instead. It was one of the most beautiful spots I have ever seen. Just breathtaking, it was so much fun. I still have bug bites from it though.

When we got back, Superman didn't want to do chores, so we decided to play a board game with his two youngest siblings. Sadly, I lost. No, I was massacred. They played like superspeed and I couldn't keep up.

Sooo pretty much I ended up not leaving until the next morning. Which was fine by me, we slept in the cool basement. It was nice seeing him again.

When I drove home, Kenny Chesney "My Tractor turns me on" was playing. When I was only a few miles away, there was a straight line of geese along the road. I thought about turning back and just dropping out and living there with Superman.

Overall, it was a great monday and it reminded me of how much I like him. I wish I could put more detail in this story because it was a wonderful "vacation".

Now I have one more class and I am done with Summer classes. Afterwards I head up to my cabin to see my extended family from Richmond, Virginia. I am super excited. We head back to P-town on Saturday and then they are helping me move back up to Cloud on Sunday.

I am really excited to be a CA next year and I am excited to see my friends again!

MY MONDAY

was awesome!! Pictures and story to come!

So much too do, so little time.

Thought I should update my blog with my to-do list so I remember what I need to do this week, school-wise. haha

• Sexual Harassment website and PRINT IT!
• Final for my online class
• prepare for online chapter 8 test
• Chapter 8 Test and Extra Credit
• Chapter 9 Extra Credit
• study for philosophy final
• get things for my room/clean my room now.

Hopefully I don't remember more. I hope to take the online test for chapter 8 by tuesday morning and finish up the extra credit on tuesday and wednesday nights.

The printer didn't work when I took the sexual harassment test the first time and I am not so happy about that. oh well. I will try again

And I still have my target job. Yippee!

Work

There's been a mix up with my work.

Yesterday I found out my leave did not go through. The paperwork was messed up and missing. I talked to HR and thought I got it worked out.

Well today I find out that 1. My leave is too long and 2. I still have responsibilities for the shifts I had.

Understandable, yes.

I only see two options in this case:

1. Work something out with HR, hopefully it is a mistake on their part and call in sick for the days they scheduled me (out of availability) since I had turned in the form six weeks before that. I would return to work during Winter Break.

2. Turn in my two weeks notice...and hopefully, be able to be hired if I need a job in the future.

Ughhhhh. I really don't want to do number two.

Jerkface

You know what really makes a great mood go sour?

The male species.

Wait...no, not just that.

The male species who talk to me only when they are horny. You want to piss me off. Then that is what you do, you have to be a male who talks to me because you are horny.

This really makes me appreciate the men in my life who aren't there because they are horny.

I need to thank them for that. :) (Thank you!)

And to the others, it's disrespectful and degrading that is all you see me as. You make yourself out to be an jerkface and you can not come back from being a jerkface. That is permanent.

Until you realize how good I am in other departments of life, you aren't getting any. Until you prove yourself worthy, you aren't getting any.

I do not like this kind of attention. I want to SCREAM!

Perfect Man Criteria: Looks in to Our Eyes

Women want their man to think that they are beautiful, but that's not the only thing women want men to see.

Women want men to see their dreams, their hopes, their future, and most importantly, their eyes.

I've realized that this project has really made me think about men. Yes, men. You boys out there that woman love (supposedly). I have been talking to the men in my life: my father, my ex's, my best friends, my random hookups, etc.

And more and more, I realize how men (with the exception of my father and ONE of my guy friends) look me in the breasts and not the eyes. I used to think men only looked if we wore low cut shirts. But I can wear a EFFING t-shirt (covering everything loosely) and they look.

Yes, sometimes I draw attention to my breasts. I will admit that. I do have large boobs and I love to complain about them. Feel free to look at them at that point of time.

But when I am talking to my guy friend about a movie, and I realize he isn't looking at me, he is looking at my chest. I don't know what to do. Should I keep talking? Should I make a joke? Should I be offended or mad?

I don't want my guy to love me because I am beautiful, or have big boobs. I want my guy to look me and the eyes and see beyond that.

I want my guy to see me for me. Yes, that takes a lot more than looking in to my eyes.

I think all women would like the same thing. And with that, they want men to accept what they do see good or bad.

And even in bed, we want men to be looking at our eyes.

My Sister

My sister is not as little as she used to be.

She turns 18 today!





I'm so glad I had 18 years to be her sister!

Briana, I love you!

New Blog Changes

Well, as you can see ladies and gents. I am changing up my blog with a few new updates. I decided to name it completely different because I realized that Traditional Nonsense was a nonsense title for a blog. Plus, it was a way to sort of say that I was freeing myself to do what is expected of me and do what I want instead.

I think I was pretty successful with that, doing what I want thing instead of what is expected of me! It was overall a good year.

I renamed my blog, Glass Half Full. Because it describes who I am, a positive person. Also, the glass is half full with water or juice, not alcohol. Just to clarify.

The quote that is below my title is pretty much my motto in life. I wake up everyday believing that I am in charge of myself and I can control (for the most part) how I feel about certain events. I want to be a happy person and that is who I choose to be. I spent all of high school being miserable, and on the arrival of college, I decided to change my attitude.

Not only was I successful, I had a wonderful experience!

As you can also see I added an image to my blog. That is me. I love to laugh, so what better picture to put up there then a 'Roseanne' laugh! :)

Let me know what you think!

Apology

I don't know how you can be so mean

Though you have every right to be angry with me

My friends say you are bitter and you are a jerk

But I know you better

We agreed that this break up was a good thing

That we were not right for each other

Sure, I could've ended it differently

Or tried harder to make it work

Or said things differently

Or been a better person overall

But you know me

You used to know me the best out of anyone

You shouldn't be so mean to me

It's okay that you have hurt feelings

or you do not want anything to do with me

We have history together

We can't just forget that

Our more recent history is bitter and bad

that shouldn't stop either one of us to be civil to one another

I am giving you an olive branch

I don't want to be friends

But I do not want to be your enemy

Just take the branch, lets make amends

I'll apologize first, I'm sorry for the things I said

and I'm sorry for the things I did.

I know I should have done some things differently.

I can not change the past

and you can't either

So let's just accept it and move on with both of our lives

There are two sides to every story and I am sticking with mine

I won't change mine to make you feel better.

I'll let you stick with yours.

And if you can't accept that apology

then I have no idea what you want me to do.

Maybe eventually I'll get it right

or maybe you won't get what you want out of me

let's just be civil.

forget the things we said in the past

and make the future better for both of us

so you don't remember me as the cold hearted bitch

and I don't remember you as the bitter jerk.

Okay?

Well, I should be doing extra credit for my online class. I am still aiming for an A and if so that means I have two extra credit assignments to do to guarantee that A.

After class, I am going home and I am hanging out with my good friend, Paul. He is a great guy, smart, tall, blonde. We have been friends since 7th grade. We've been through a lot together. But he has always been there for me when the times have been rough. I am really grateful for that.

Well I wasted 37 minutes doodling around on Facebook. Gotta go finish that homework.

Wordless Wednesdays

Thoughts

Yesterday I had lunch with a good friend named Mandy. I have known her from tenth grade and she is amazing!! She is two years older and I feel like she really gets me. She always knows what to say. We talked about how awesome it is being single and gossiped about a few people we knew. We bashed our exes and thank god, I have that outlet.

Today I had WOW for lunch and I went to class. Class was amazing. It was a fun lecture. He let us out an hour early. :) So it was pretty good.

Then, I texted my ex. That was NOT a good idea. I got a bunch of furniture things for our apartment (which never happened) and I want it back. When I asked him when I could come pick it up, he said that he had given it to a friend to use.

What? Did he ask me? No.

My mood went down to the drain. That was semi-expensive stuff. I want it back.

So I went on a walk to blow off steam, today was the day I was supposed to go to the gym. But I felt like I hated the male species. (Which I kind of do...some of them at least) So walk it was.

I really expected better of him. (rolls eyes) Yep. I'm still the same trusting loyal girl I always have been. I don't think I will change, I find it a major flaw. I forgive people too easily, I trust people when they give me no reason to, and it does hurt me most of the time.

Tomorrow I have a practical assessment at nine thirty and I have class at 12:30.

I'm super tired and I need some dinner because I forgot again to eat....

Weekend At The Cabin

This weekend was awesome. I went up to the lake with my good friend, Nick Ferguson. It was a long drive up and my dad came with us, so it wasn't as fun as I would've hoped for the ride. But I think it was an okay ride. Nick and Dad got in a nap both.

When we got up, we went swimming right away. I was the first to jump in. That is a rarity, usually I am the last to get in. We swam to the island and Nick's noodle slowed him down. So I ended up looking like a loser with a green noodle. .

My mom had cooked us delicious dinners every night we were there. Thank you Mommy..

The first night we came...it was Sam's birthday, so the Miltons were unavailable. My sister made us puppy chow, we played card games and such.

The next day, Nick and I practiced our Quidditch skills. I am afraid we got a lot of weird stares from the Blaylocks when we successfully played a game with the Joe, Claire, Nathan, Briana, and Mamta. But we didn't care. We had fun. Played three rounds and my team lost all three.

Nick tubed for the first time this weekend. We made the fatal mistake of going on the same tube and we sort of popped it with our massive thighs and stomachs. We're bigger people. There is nothing wrong with that. We are both very good looking too.

Sunday came too fast. I got to ski both days. I think that is all I can say about this weekend. It was a lot of fun.

I only bring up a friend every five years or so. Not by choice, because my friends and I never seem to be on the same schedule. Nick was my third friend that came up ever and I am really glad that he was able to do this. I hope he had as much as fun as I did

Nick got really burnt, which was horrible! I still advise everyone to use SPF 30 everyday they go outside!

We spent the last minutes of our vacation, eating Wendy's (because our dinner we tried to make failed) and listening to 99.9 in my car in K-Lot.

This was definitely a weekend to remember for the rest of my life.

Perfect Man Criteria: Tell her She's Beautiful

Hello 2am insomnia.

What better way to celebrate this with a little blogging!

Actually at 2:13 I texted my ex and told him I couldn't get to sleep.

He responded "me neither."

So between five texts back and forth. I realized another Perfect Man criteria.

I like this guy a lot, letting him go was the hardest thing I am going to have to do in my life. It was going to be long distance, and I could tell that he wasn't up for it or ready for it. So well, I didn't give him the choice to be up for it. I told him that I loved him and will always love him. And it wasn't him, it was the distance, and maybe in the future, when we are closer we can give this relationship a try again.

I hope I didn't make him cry.

But one of his greatest perfections (noticed I said only one...he has many) is that he always ALWAYS told me I was beautiful.

Or pretty.

Or gorgeous.

And not once, HOT.

Not that HOT isn't a compliment, it is. There are so many words in the English language and someone chooses hot...just do not do it. Beautiful, Gorgeous or Pretty are much better diction choices. The fact that he always used better diction really gave him some more points down the relationship road.

When I get up, I sometimes look like this. When I work out I look somewhat like this. And on days when I can't fall asleep until 3am or 4am, I look like this.

He told me that I was beautiful even on those days.

And when I brought up I look like crap. He would remark something along the lines of "you make crap look goooood."

And believe me, even though I looked like a three year old girl with a unibrow, he still let me kiss him thank you.

I am sure I am not the only girl that feels like she looks like crap. Heck, we all have those days. And sometimes, we do look like crap. Sometimes it is for a day, or a week, or a month, or a year.

Usually we have a significant other to get us through those hard times. Those hard times would go more smoothly and be more worth it if, compliments was a regular part of the relationship.

I'm speaking for every girl on this world. All of us are not confident with something of our bodies. Whether it would be our stretch marks, or our extra rolls or whatever it is. We have insecurities.

A compliment from a significant other is a good thing for our confidence, in fact it is one of the best.

Sometimes we feel undesirable, it is okay.

You are with her for a reason, boys and men. Remind her why that reason is. Take her out to dinner for the reason because she is the most beautiful woman in the world to you, send her flowers at work with the note "you are very pretty", or just flat up walk in and go "wow, you are gorgeous today." Or leave a post it on the bathroom saying, If I had the same reflection as you everyday, I would never leave because I wouldn't be able to take my eyes off you.

She will either be speechless, or kiss you, or look at you very strangely. But she will appreciate it. Whatever she does, she will be grateful she was reminded why she is with you. Because you are sweet and remind her about her awesome good looks.

Many woman are not reminded by there significant other that they are beautiful and it is really a shame. I think compliments would help the relationship and strengthen it. If you say something positive, the next time you are in a negative mood. She won't be thinking about how you are always saying "mean" things. It will just be a dent along the road, not a massive pothole.

Don't leave it at beautiful, boys. There are many things that is considered a compliment by women. Is she your baby mama and doing a great job? Remind her.

Does she put up with a friend of yours that stays over night a little too much? Remind her.

Pretty much boys. Be thankful your woman is in your life.

Remind her why she is today.

(Obviously do not over do it. Say it when she least expects it, do not make it a routine. Be genuine but make sure you say it!!! You want her to think that she is the only woman in your life for you. She may be. But act like it!!! )

Lake!!!

How I have missed thee!

Tubing, skiing, eating, laying, napping, reading, swimming, running, laughing!

And so much more.

For the first time this summer, I am finally able to go up to the lake!!!

This is what I look like right now. (I'm the pale one!)

Why is my text blue? Can you see that? Well, if you can I apologize. I hope you enjoy it.

Love you all. I'll have a great weekend and so will you!

Perfect Man Criteria: Protection

Although this is a manly level scale, I find it quite helpful! (Thanks, Bailey Hess and Megan Vogel!)

Women do not need men to fight off bears or slay dragons. In fact, most woman can do that themselves nowadays.

This is probably a good criteria to have, boys. We want to feel safe or that you have our backs. Even if your girlfriend is a black belt, she still wants to feel safe with you. So do not even think to say, well, my girlfriend does karate, so I do not need to fit this criteria. NOOOO. What is wrong with you? This is necessary!

This includes:

• getting up at three am to drive us home from "dark places"
• putting your arm around us during scary movies but not feeling us up
• holding us when we cry, even for what you think are the stupidest reasons.

You do not have to be a good physical shape to protect your woman. No. I repeat, good physical shape is not necessary to protect us. It wouldn't hurt but it is not a CRITERIA.

So when you are out on the town with her,

• do not talk to "scary-looking" people you do not know
• Do not make her sit in the car alone, in the dark, while you disappear to do god knows what for five minutes. Take her with you, or, better yet, save your errands for later.
• Avoid frightening her when you are alone. Group scares are always fun, if she is worth it she will laugh at that. If you are alone with her and you scare her, she'll either start crying or be very angry at you.
• Do not pretend that you are the big man and are going to scare everybody else with your tough guy. You just look stupid, act like yourself, you aren't impressing anyone, you are just embarrassing her.

I would like to add on the embarrassing her part. Protecting her may not always be physically. If she walks out of the bathroom with toilet paper strolling from her shoe, don't ignore it, try to take it off(with your own shoe!) or tell her, "Hey honey, be careful where you walk in the bathroom next time." Or if there is food stuck in her teeth. Be calm, act like it is no big deal and say to her quietly that their is food in her teeth. If you get grossed out and don't want to see her picking her mouth, add that you will wait for her while she "fixes" it in the bathroom. It's no big deal, but a girl likes to look nice and either of these things would ruin her night. (How long did I have that thing trailing after me? He must think I am an idiot and don't know how to eat...)

I have successfully found criteria one of being a Perfect Man: sense of protection.

Thanks again to my lovely friend Bailey Hess and her partner in not so much crime-Megan Vogel for the creative way to be manly!!! Now go save your woman!!! Or thank your man!!!

Wordless Wednesdays

Dedicated to my Loyal Follower

The Search for the Criteria of the Perfect Man

So last night I was talking to my man friend and he brought up that in his mind, I was the perfect woman. I felt completely flattered and I blushed. So I started searching for what the perfect man was, so I could give him a compliment back.



First I tried google. Well, it turns out Hilary Duff was in a movie called the perfect man, and for the first page or so, that is all google could concentrate on. Even though I was a Hilary Duff fan (quite the fan---I thought we were sisters because we had the same initials---stalker!!!). I have never heard of it or watched it. From what I saw on the google search page, it wasn't very good. Bummer Hilary, maybe you will come back yet!

Then after talking to Rob (my man friend) about this predicament, he mentioned it was a pity that I wasn't on the images. That was super sweet. We kept talking and he brought up Urban Dictionary.

Why didn't I think of Urban Dictionary before? Isn't that where I got my sexual education? (Do not tell anyone!) I decided to try urban dictionary. I thought for sure it would help me. After I waded though the random names love-sick girls have published in the EDUCATIONAL SITE. (Not for love sick girls, stay away love sick girls) This is what I found....


Perfect Man according to Urban Dictionary!


1.A man who can cook and clean. Is very rare.
2.Doesn't Exist
3.A baby boy who has yet to become an a** hole.




So for the first time ever, Urban Dictionary was unhelpful. (Though they all were very humorous...except for the love sick girls. Gross. Go away love sick girls)

And although they were very funny. They did not help me. I need criteria. A list. Something I can check off if he makes the cut.

I am not a picky person. So my list would be minimal. So I am going to go out and ask. Yes. Ask women(single, married, divorced, crazy, old, young, homeless, rich, etc), even gay men, their opinions on what a perfect man is.

Then I shall publish it here, in between my regular posts, and see if I can finally make this list for all women to use.

So if they want to call their man a perfect man, they know exactly where to turn.

"See honey, you meet all the criteria!"

French Fries

So on Monday after a great dinner at Applebees. I felt very full.

And then it hit me..the only thing that makes me feel horrible is food.

And even though I love it, I am giving it up.

French fries. Not food itself. They are unhealthy for me and they slow me down. Literally. Like they fill me up and slow me down, so I can't walk.



So yesterday was my first day and it went pretty well. I worked out for an hour and a half. I need to work out like that more often. I was sweating everywhere but I feel so good today. Today I am going to run, so that is nice.

I did the dishes, took out the recycling and vacuumed yesterday. I don't want to do my homework. I still don't.

Right now all I want is french fries. But I shall deny the urge and instead eat my lunch with out them. Eventually I will be able to get over this feeling.

One more step of being healthy that I need to take in order to live.

The last thing I want is a heart attack.

Abandonment

He ignores me for the girls he likes.

I realized today that our friendship isn't mutual.
I may like him like that but I want to be friends with him more.
I need to fix this.

I need to see him as only a friend and not as a love interest.
This way, I can like the girls he hangs out with.
And not feel so jealous that he wants to not hang out with me for so and so.

I feel like this is a repeat of Paul.
I really liked him
I adored him as a friend.
But he did not adore me as one.
So he ditched me for his other friends.
I felt alone and scared.
I ended the relationship
and it put a strain on it for a very long time.
Our friendship will never be the same, and I hate that.

I realized how much I adored him today.
How handsome he is when he gives a half smile.
And how contagious his laugh is.
How much I want him in my life for a very long time.

I would do anything to make it stay that way.

I would drop everything to hang out with him
To talk to him
to give him company.
I would never ignore him for my love interest.
He would not, and that hurts the most.


This needs to end.
I don't want to feel the way I do about Paul about him.
I want to always be his friend and not feel abandoned.
So here is my plan

No texting, unless he texts first.
No facebook chatting, unless he chats.
If he wants to hang out, I will be happy to.
If he wants to work out, he can ask me.

And if that means, not see him everyday. So be it.
I'll miss him. But I can't deal with being abandoned again.
It hurts too much and I want to cry.

I'm a selfish friend.
That needs to change.

She's a Monster.

I have that song stuck in my head.

I skyped with the boy I'm dating last night. It was fun.

Now I am going running because I feel fat.

Date

Well I had a date last night. And I had a great time. I think he did too.

I rushed home from work and struggled to clean up the kitchen, my room and myself. I wore my favorite blue skirt about calve low (I'm not a slut) and my pink polo shirt. I wore minimum makeup, like always and I made sure my hair was somewhat not messy. Though that is IMPOSSIBLE with my hair. There is just too much of it.

Let me tell you a little about this guy. He is brilliant, very handsome, soft brown hair, great smile, sings a little, very talented piano player, taller than me(not hard to do), in my opinion, he is pretty awesome.

So date=successful evening. That's about it.

Stood-Up

So I got semi-stood up. Does Cancelling less than two hours count as being stood-up? I think it should. Oh well, I am sort of on the fence about dating again anyway. Mixed blessing? I think so.

So here is my plan for tomorrow(later this morning). I shall get up and finish my bonus points for my online class. Then I should start the reading for my philosophy class.

But man I am tired and hot. I don't want to go to sleep because I am scared about the movie I just saw.

I watched Silent Hill for the first time tonight and for the record, it wasn't that scary. But thinking about it and being in the situation freaks the crap out of me. But I do not think I will ever adopt a daughter anyway, sons are the way to go. haha. That's mean.

The plot was amazing and the ending went even better. I am saddened I didn't discover this movie before tonight. I wanna see it again to figure out what every thing means and the symbolism.

That is all. Good night World

wednesday

What did I do Wednesday?

That is a good question. I woke up as sticky as a lollipop after falling out of a child's hand and next to a very close friend, Nick. I hate sleeping alone, so when learning of an opportunity to have a sleep over I am more than enthusiastic to offer my bed. (To a small population, not the whole world, of course)

I started my homework, which of course begins checking the Facebook and then moving on to the important activities. It was almost too hot to function. Correction: It was too humid to function. Bailey and I decided that we would have a bonding shower time. Wait? Back up, you showered together. For the record, we did not. She was in the shower next to me and it was separated by 2 curtains and a wall.

By the time we got out and dressed, I was already hot again. I decided to get lunch in the Student Center and bowl. I wanted to bowl today for two reasons: I did not want to do my homework and I wanted to see if I could repeat my high bowling score of a 132.

I got a buffalo wrap from the World of Wings place in the basement of the center and sat down in the UnderGround, which is also where Nick works. I will never order a buffalo wrap from there again, it was much too hot for me. Not like it burns hot, but the spicy hot.

After I finished eating, I moved on to bowling. In which I was semi good, but did not reach my high score of 132. (a 122 was the highest I got today)

Then I went to class which was an uncomfortable three hours long. We discussed the boring stuff I had read about the night before. I met a guy that was on the same floor as Pip when he went here and that was very small world for me. I obviously didn't mention it, as he was never on campus anyway and probably stuck to himself or Mandy and Alex when he did hang out with real people.

And anyway, it was a long time ago, so if he did remember him, why would it matter?

Then after class, I was going to go to the Gym, but it was much to hot for that. Bailey brought Pizza back and we pigged out on that goodness. I started and finished my homework. Laid around in bed as it was still too humid to function and got ready to go to Target.

At Target we rushed around filling up our red Target cart full of sparkling water(on sale!) and some candy and Cosmo. Then discovering that I like sparkling water and deals way too much we had to stop at the dorm before we parked my car a mile away to drop things off in my room.

It was after seven so Bailey decided to wait in the car while I ran in and dropped the sparkling water goodness off at our room. The clouds were beautiful on the drive down to the parking lot. I took out my camera and snapped some pictures...while driving...very unsafe by the way and not recommended. Also the pictures did not turn out like I wanted to so that is a shame.

Since then, I have been doing homework and enjoying my new barbie toys a friend gave to me. I like summer.

Date tonight. A little nervous.

Like...?

How do I know if I like him?

This isn't cool.

People have been telling that we are perfect together and that we should get together and that we are already like we are married. Do you understand that? And. they. do. not. back. down. They keep saying that. That we are cute together. Sweet, disgusting things like that.

So then, I feel like they are right and I walk around thinking that. Or wondering if he likes me like that. Flattering, but probably not possible.

But I start seeing like little signs that he likes me...

Am I seeing these signs because the people bring it up?

Do I actually like him?

My heads a mess right now. I don't think he likes me like that. In fact, I have asked him if he does, he does not. I do not know if I like him like that. I didn't even think about about liking him like that until our friends brought it up. Do they bring it up with him? Is he wondering the same thing? Is he just as confused?

How do you determine if you like someone like that? And how do I determine if he likes me like that, but is too afraid to make a move?

I am this close, THIS CLOSE, to telling the people to bug off. That wouldn't be nice. But instead of helping the situation, they created it. And ugh, I dislike not knowing for sure.

I am the kind of person who needs to know where she is in life. Not knowing who she likes for sure is not a position I like to be in.

Wordless Wednesdays

Foundation

I realized my downfall.

I am the type of person that puts 100% in to her relationships. And when they fail, I am devastated.

But I am not going to change myself because someday I will meet a friend or a boyfriend that does the same thing and understand how much it hurts that it didn't work out.

And plus, I live for the moment. That everything is going to last forever and I think that is a real plus because I lay down the foundation to a relationship. So even if the the walls are sort of thin and the door aren't tall enough for an average human, we are good because we have our strong foundation.

And that's a flaw, I am gonna have to learn to deal with.

Surprising Moments Are in Everyones Life

And I love each and every one of them.

Over it

I really do not know how boys could be so stupid.

ughhh. okay, I know this post and the last post are like minutes apart but I thought they should be separated.

These are two different feelings about two different men in my life.

I expected an apology. But I really don't think he knew how much he hurt me. I don't think he knew that he hurt me. period.

Which is why, I guess, I do not need an apology. Really. Maybe it was my fault for being hurt and yes, it probably was.

I am happy with the friendship we have and I can put the past in the past. But it was really really really hard to get over him. romantically. And I am very jealous of the girls who get to hang out with him.

Sad? Yes, I am pathetic. But whatever. I was just like this is it, this is it, this is it. And then, nothing. So I was a little let down.

I guess I am a little bit flattered at the same time. He sees me as a friend and a strong person that doesn't let anything or anyone get her down.

Which I guess is a compliment. Really. I liked to be viewed as a strong woman. And I am a strong woman...most of the time. But I still get hurt.

I mean, most guys are oblivious, I don't know why I expected him to be different. I just thought he saw the world better and at a different angle then most guys. But I guess I just had high hopes for him.

I am not mad. I just realized how little and how much I meant to him. I mean, romantically, I am nothing. But friendship wise, I am something to him.

And I discovered I would rather be his friend then bring up the old stuff and get his apology.

But I still like him "like that". It is upsetting to me that I do. Oh well.

confizzled

I've been realizing more and more how confused I am.

I texted Superman last night. He texted me back. A.K.A we talked for a bit, like three hours actually.

He doesn't know what he wants. And the reason why I made the breakup official is because it is always going to be a problem. It is always going to come up in the relationship. He is always going to wonder (if we stay together) if he really likes me for me. I can't be pulled around like that and I do not want to be the girlfriend he regrets dating because of that.

I know he really likes me, otherwise, why would he have made two trips to my house to see me?

This weekend went better than expected. In fact it was amazing. But I didn't really have time to think about my next move, boy wise. I think that is a good thing. I think.

Because I don't need this. I don't need a boy in my life. I discovered this, this year. I have great friends, I have not-so-great friends and I have people to have fun with. I have a social life.

For the first time in my life, I have a social life. And I like it.

But I am still confused.

Lonely

That is all.

Relationships

I am not sure where my life is headed right now...at least in terms of dating.

Anthony and I decided that we were better off just being friends and I am not sure what I think about that. For awhile, I really thought he was the one. Now I don't know. He didn't feel the same way, so it obviously wasn't meant to be.

I am sort of indifferent to the whole "boyfriend" thing. I only wanted a boyfriend when I discovered I really liked him. Now that I don't really like someone I don't really care. I will just take what life throws at me.

But does that mean I am single now? Do I start looking for dates? I had just put myself back on the market when I met Anthony, so I am not sure how single and looking for dates is suppose to act.

I'm back to square one I suppose.


I don't even want sex anymore. I am really happy I don't. When I have sex again, I really want it to be special and romantic. I want it to be with someone that I feel like I have a future with, whether it is just a long-term relationship or friendship or marriage or whatever. Anthony really helped me see that I deserve better then one-night stands with jerks.

The good news is Summer Session I is done. Which means Math...is done. And unless I completely screwed up...Math for me...is done forever.

Thoughts

Dear People,

Hi.

Today has not gone off on the foot I wanted it to go off on. (For reference, left foot)

It is only 12:37am so it has to get better. I will eventually use my left foot.

No one seems to read this except for my one follower. (Thanks follower--Luke) So I guess it's okay if I share my whole feelings to the rest of the world.

Or maybe it isn't. Maybe that's the problem, I am too open. I share too much. I am too loose.

It seems like whenever my life decides to get a boo boo, I feel like I could never be happier. And then the news comes and I am devastated that my life wasn't as perfect as I thought it would be.

When my grandmother died, I had just got a new boyfriend. (It turned out to be just an online thing and nothing more.) But being the girl I am I was so happy and ready to do this full fledged relationship and dump my old boyfriend out the window. He didn't speak English, so it's okay...haha no it isn't but still.

When my grandfather died,I think I was happy, I am not quite sure. I knew it was going to happen and I am glad that most of his family was doing what he loved when it did. (We were fishing....or I was, at least, most of my cousins were doing god know what). I would have rather been with him when he passed but what am I going to do? It is history.

You know my grandfather was the first man to call me beautiful. I was 14 years old and the gawkiest thing around. My hips were swelling and my breast didn't exist as much as they do now. He said I was very lucky to have an hourglass figure with such a small waist, many woman would love that. "What does it matter, Grandpa. It isn't like I am going to get a guy or anything."

I remember him stopping, thinking....probably about "what the heck have I gotten myself in to". And then explaining to me about how I was beautiful and if a guy is what I want in life, I will get it. "But don't tell anyone this, Hannah, you are my favorite German Gal and you are going to do great things." In less words and in a mean sort of way. But there is no way I can capture Douglas Shockley Daniels in print, no no no. That is impossible.I am not even going to try.

I think what I liked most about Grandpa is that he was a kind kind man, but he wasn't always nice. I do not think he treated my grandma as well as he should have in the earlier years of marriage and oh my, he sounded like a rampant teenager when he was younger.

It gives me hope for the future. His bad past didn't reflect on what kind of life he had later in life. Maybe my bad decisions will be the same way. Maybe they won't. But either way, I have to live to have life.

And that is an option that doesn't come with a dealbreaker.

[Sorry about the grammar and spelling. I didn't read over this. ]

rewritten

Well, I finally emailed my ex to get my old posts back. I stated in the email that he had every right to delete my email and that if it was possible could I get them back. He sent me a really angry email back saying that because I was immature and rude to him. He even corrected the grammar and spelling on my letter.

Here is my reply that I sent: I appreciate the answer.

Here is the reply I wish I sent:

Pip,
I do not know if I would call my actions rude and immature post breakup. I was trying to be diplomatic and professional. Overall, I was waiting for my money and then I was going to cut you out of my life forever.
I'm in a happier place in life, happier then I ever was with you, happier then I have ever been in life, maybe. Almost immediately after breaking up with you, I realized I deserved someone who had dreams and went for his dreams. That I deserved someone who would allow me to follow my dreams as well.
I wish I could sue you. I wish my emotional pain could be proven in court. You used me. You constantly used verbal manipulation to make me do things for you. After the relationship, I thought I owed men sex, that that was the only thing I was good for. You put this idea in my mind. And I hate you for it. I never loved you. Ever.
You got me by buying me gifts and by isolating me. I stayed with you because I was alone. And you put another idea in to my head, that I only had you. I didn't only have you. I have everyone and I don't need you. I never did.
I pray for your future girlfriends and if you ever get married your future wife. You expected me to throw away my family, my friends, my education, and my life to only be with you. You will never change, you will always expect that from a girl. It is a hard thing to do, I almost was able to do it.
I thought maybe one day you would surprise me and be a better friend than a boyfriend or change so I could be with you. You will never surprise me, you will never pay me back. This is typical you. This will never change.
I try to remember the good and not the bad with our relationship. That is hard to do. But I will do it. I will not regret ending it with you.
Your rude and immature ex,
Hannah

P.S. Go to hell. Thanks and good bye.


I like

My Weekend.

I had a pretty good weekend. After going to the Bad Waitress with Bianca. And having a delicious Chicken burrito and American fries. I'd highly recommend it. It is really close to MCAD and it is a beautiful neighborhood. http://www.thebadwaitress.com/ There is a German restaurant across the street which also has very good food. She dropped me off at home with an hour to spare to get to work. I watered the garden and the plants around the house in my cute outfit I was wearing.

When I got to work, it wasn't that bad. I worked nine hours and when I went home to my big empty four bedroom, four bathroom HUGE DARK HOUSE. I just wanted to go back to work.

So I worked nine hours on Saturday too. I enjoy my job, I do. The people I work with are great and it was awesome. Yesterday, I went to work to cashier for 7 hours and then be a Front End Closing Manager for the next five. It was busier than a normal Sunday but not bad. I enjoyed being closing manager and I think I would be good at it with practice but ehh, I don't think I could do that for the rest of my life.

Today I got up and started packing. I went to the grocery store and saved 24 dollars with coupons and my discount. I bought a lot of food for my roommate and me. Three bags for only 49 dollars.

Now I am sitting in my dorm room. Alone. I have a test tomorrow and I need to study. Plus I have three Chapters due for my online class by Wednesday and a final on Thursday. I have another test for my online class on Friday. Let just say I have a busy week. This is my last week of math and I am very thankful for that. It has been a stressful five weeks but I will be glad when Math is done and over with.

With my major, I still have a stats class to take and two accounting classes to take. I do not think it is bad. My boyfriend informed me that he has to take up to Calculus for his major. I laughed at that. I am glad that Stats and Accounting is all I really have left with Math. It's not that I am not good at it. I am. It is just that I get bored of doing it and I dislike it a lot.

When I took Calculus concepts in High School, I would literally fall asleep on top of my math work everyday. Then when the tests came, I would Ace it. One or two wrong. The worst I ever did was an A-. The teacher started moving me around the class during tests days. After three quizzes went by and four table moving later, he asked me if I found the class easy...

I would say so.

Easy and pointless. Like most of my high school classes were. Except for Gym because baby, I loved gym. I loved the weight room and the fun runs and abs and step aerobics and the weight room....

Now that I wasted some time doing that I am on to studying.